Given Up

I've given up.
I've given up on just about everything.
I've given up on love.
I've given up on boys.
I've given up on the human race.
I've given up on people.
I've given up on music.
I've given up on anything that has given up on me.
I've given up on high school.
I've given up on the education system.
I've given up on teachers.


It hurts. I really can't take the pain much longer. Is it so bad that I want someone to hold me? Is it so bad that I don't want it just to be anyone; I want it to be someone. Is it too much to ask? Am I too horrible to be happy? I don't think I'm that bad of a person. I'm pretty typical but maybe not the right typical. I cry like other people but... Maybe I cry too much. I do cry a lot. I think I'm pretty... Maybe I'm not pretty enough. What did I miss out on that everyone else got?

Apparently, something is the matter with me.

I'm a daughter hiding her depression.
I'm a sister making a good impression.
I'm your friend acting like I'm fine.
I'm a teenager pushing her tears aside.
I'm the girl sitting next to you.
I'm the one asking you to care.
I'm your best friend hoping you'll be there.
I'm the lover keeping it all in.
I'm the singer who chooses not to shine.
I'm the player not using her abilities.
I'm in the corner wishing someone would come over and ask me what's wrong.
I'm waiting for 11:11 to make you my wish.
I'm your someone, wanting you to love me back.

Maybe I'll be alone forever.

I'm so lost.

Can't Think Straight

Have you ever just felt like you were lost and the person who found was the most unsuspecting person? Not only that but this unsuspected person has been there for you.. Every time you've fallen.. And then.. You start having immensely intense feelings for them and then you like.. Don't know what to do. Not only that but they like someone else and talk to you about it all the time. It's really a crusher. But you keep hoping but things just don't seem to go your way. I'm happy for him. Don't get me wrong. I am not a bitch by any means. I'm not controlling. I think I'm just nuts.. Ughhh..

I don't understand.

I don't understand anything anymore.

I'm soooo scared. It's unbearable.

Thoughts

It's crazy that a song can make me just go nuts when I like I guy. I totally get into the song and all I do is think about him. But what's even more crazy is when every song starts to make you think about him. He's very into music and music is my life, maybe that's why. It's all around crazy feeling, but... I like it. :) I love the way he makes me feel. When I'm with him, I feel... Magical. I can confide in him like no one else and it's amazing. (I really need to come up with a different word than amazing. I'm checking a thesaurus.) He's marvelous. :) (My new word) He says he can confide in me too which is a great feeling. It really is a self esteem boost. Find someone who makes you happy and don't give up on them. I've been happy with other guys but not like this. I get miserable with other guys too... But I don't with him. I'm always happy. I've always been happy. I really like it.

I find it unbearable that one of your best friends like almost forgets about you. I miss her dearly. Come back to me.

Abby, I love you. Hahaha.. I just wanted to add that in there. I hope you're not deaf from me yelling into the phone. :) <3

School is great. I hope everyone and myself does excellent this year. I'm so excited. I start college tomorrow night so, wish me luck!

Maybe I'll go visit Nicole before class. I wonder if she has time for me.

Richard, I miss you. I realize you're busy but mann, I miss you. I better see you when I go up there or else. ;)

Chasey, keep holding on.

I just want to be held. My goodness. I hate and love this song all at the same time. Damnit.

JUSTIN. I have no idea how I'm going to survive Photo without you. Hahaa.. Stick with me.

Kimberly Elaine, I miss you terribly. Something happened yesterday and you would have been the first person I came too about it, instead I kept it bottled up. Meehh. I love you.

Kelly Michelle, I miss you terribly too. Come back to Iowa and see me.

These are just some random things going around in my mind.

I'm in a fairly good mood though.

Him :) <3

He makes me feel so good about myself. :) I love being near him. :) He's so sweet. :) He's so good to me. :) I love to miss him because he misses me too. :) Maybe I'm falling for him. :) Who knows? :) I'm very happy right now. :) :) I love this happy. :) I've had this happy before. :) The last guy who I felt this happy with is now a good friend!..:) Happy, happy, happy!! :) <3>

My Immortal, My Pain

I've been trying to find the right words. The right words to how I've felt the past two and a half months. Finally, I found them. They've been right in front of me. One of my favorite bands, one of my favorite songs was just there. I finally found them. Going through old playlists... I finally found the words. Music is what I have. It's what I use. Every word in this song is a word I've placed. I use every one of them. They're the perfect match. Maybe by doing this, it will help me further in my journey back to life. Thanks to an amazing friend who's been there so much lately. This is helping me even more, Chase.


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I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me


I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

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Coming Undone

It falls to pieces. It keeps falling. It's broken. It's shattered. It's crushed. I don't understand. Why does life have to throw bad things at me? I feel so lost. My world is broken. I am broken and I don't like it. I feel so unhappy. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I act. I hate the way I am. I wish I was something more. I wish that I didn't feel so used. I feel so... Hurt and I don't understand why. Maybe I should just go away. Maybe I should just get away from here. But I love it here. I need someone. I need something. I hate being lonely. It's times like these when I need certain people all at once. I need Nicole. I need Richard. I may even need Chase. I need... A hug. I need love. I need some care. I want to know things. I need deep conversation. I need medicine. My insides hurt. I have a headache. All the thoughts have me spinning. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe bipolar or something. Maybe I'm depressed. I feel really depressed. I feel dark. I feel down. It's not good. I feel like when I get happy, something has to take the happiness away. Why do I feel this way?

I took the day off to go to a birthday party. I just told my mom I just wanted it off. I told him that I just had it off. But.. I took it off for a special reason. I wanted to go to the party. I wanted to give her a hug. I wanted to have a good conversation with him. I wanted him to apologize for everything. I wanted to feel something again. But oh well. Some thing's wrong with me. I don't understand.

I can't take the stress. It's unbearable.

I'm so tired. My body aches. I'm so wore out. But I can't sleep. I don't understand. I can't take this but.. I'm strong. I hope to get through. I tell everyone to hold on... Maybe I should just keep holding on. Maybe that'll help.

But it hurts.

I want someone to love me.. Yes, I'm young but I still have a heart. I still feel things. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I don't feel what love is. It doesn't mean I can't love. Heck, being a teenager my emotions are crazy. How do you know it doesn't hurt more? But.. Oh well.. I'm not complaining. I just want someone to hold me and tell me every thing's all right now that they're here. Someday.

I'm about to lay down and hope to sleep. I hope to dream of better things.

Good night.

Friends: Day Two

So, I've been utterly depressed lately. I don't like it at all. I just feel like crying all the time about everything. I don't like it. I've been like a ticking time bomb about everything. I just don't understand. I've been really jealous too and I really hate it. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. Here's some things about my amazing friends who seem to put up with me really well.

Chase
Chase is a sweetheart. To be honest, I don't remember how we met. It may have been through TAG but I'm not really sure. I've known his brother for years. He's in my grade so.. I know everyone in my grade. But anywho, Chase. I don't really know what to say. He's so sweet. He's so good to me. He's always there for me. He comes to see me at work too. It's so great. I don't really know what else I could say. He means so much to me. Thank you.

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Abby
Abigail is my life. She is my love. My soul mate. I've known her since probably 5th grade. Maybe longer. She's always there for me which is awesome. Her family is my second family.

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Kim
Kimberly is my soul mate. We have ups and downs but she's amazing. I couldn't ask for more. I've known Kim for years upon end. We were in Girl Scouts together if I remember correctly. We come from different groups of people but.. We're pretty much bonded for life now. I love her to death and beyond.

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I don't think I feel much better. I still feel like shit. Almost like dying. Ugh.

Friends: Day One

So, over the next few days here I will be posting a blog about each of my friends. It'll tell the story of how we met and so on and so forth. I've been thinking about how I was going to go about this so.. Here it goes.

Richard
So, it was kind of different how I met Richard. I'd seen him in Quiz Bowl beginning in my Freshman year and that's about the only place I'd noticed him. I remember going to my first Quiz Bowl tournament and our team got totally CREAMED by his team. I saw him and I was like... Hmmmm... Smart ass. :P He's so smart. It's unbelievable. But anywho, I remember thinking, you're not going to fall for him. Crazy what you think you think, eh? Ha.. But anyway.. I didn't ever really say anything to him.. But.. That's because I was dumb. Who knew he was going to be such a great guy?

In my Sophomore year, I became more involved in things. I began seeing him a little bit more. Being stupid I still didn't talk to him. I saw him at Quiz Bowl tournaments and such but being a psycho... Never said anything to him. Finally, in March, there was a Conference Honor Choir and one of our mutual friends Stephanie and I really started talking. We were like... Hey.. You're in Quiz Bowl, aren't you? I told her that our team FEARED hers and especially that one kid. Lol. And she's like, what kid? Then as if she knew who I was talking about... Epiphany.. Lol.. OH RICHARD!.. Yea.. He thinks he's smart. I was like.. Thinks? He knows! And we just laughed... Later on that day, they had auditions for solos. I thought for kicks and giggles that I would go try out even though I'd never even heard the solos... Well, Richard was trying out.. And.. I'll tell ya.. To this day, I still don't understand why that other guy got that solo when he totally sucked it up even in auditions. Richard is... Amazing. Absolutely amazing at singing. Wow. But.. After that night, we started Facebooking. And he turned out to be absolutely amazing.

Lately though, things have been going on with him that... I just don't understand. I wish more than anything that he didn't have to go through this stuff. It's terrible. I just want him to know he means the world to me and that I am always here. I want him to know that I'm his leaning post with respect. Lol.

I have an irrational fear with him though. I'm afraid that he will forget me.

I hope he doesn't.

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Nicole.
Where do I begin?
I've known her for over a year && a half.
I love this girl to death.
We met through Collin and it was because of Ben. Ew.
Disgusting.
But anyway...
I don't know where I'd be without her.
I have so much to say about her but... I don't know where to start.
She's beautiful, absolutely brilliant, and she has a great sense of humor.
She's always... Always there for me. I couldn't thank her more.
I just hope she knows that no matter what... NO MATTER WHAT... She means the world to me and I'll always be here for her.
Because.
I love her very very much.

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Tomorrow, is another day with more about my amazing friends.

Crazy

You know.. Things always happen and we don't know why. We don't necessarily understand. If things are supposed be like this then why must they be? Why can't we fix things as quick as they were broken? Why can't things be the way they used to be? Maybe it's fate. Maybe something better is to come along or maybe... Every thing is perfect the way it should be.

I had an up-down summer. More like.. Down-up-down-up. Haha.. At the very beginning of the summer, I lost someone who meant a lot to me. I felt like crap. But.. What was it that I missed? Was it what we had? Or was it what we did? Or was it just him that I missed?... What was it that was tearing me down into a million pieces because he wasn't there anymore? Then.. It hit me... I missed having someone actually listen to me.

He wasn't a big talker but.. He talked. I could talk for hours about complete nothingness and he'd listen. He was so sweet in that aspect. But.. We could talk about school, work, friends, and such but.. I always felt comfortable. I could always tell he was listening. I really felt special and like someone cared. It was nice.

One night, I was having major family issues and... he was there to comfort me. I'm sure more than anything that he was overwhelmed by what I had told him... But.. He didn't say he was. He just listened... And that meant so much. I was able to spill my guts and just tell him everything and I'd never experienced that before.

I miss that. And maybe I'll always miss that with him.. But.. Who knows?... I still miss him now even though we talk. There's been so many times where I've needed him... And he wasn't there. But.. I've made it this far.. I just.. Don't want him to hate me.

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Life's kinda crazy. It puts things in weird perspectives for you. It throws odd things at you. Things you just don't understand. I don't understand most of my life. I don't understand why ducks waddle, why fish swim, or why Tigger and Pooh are best friends but that doesn't mean I don't understand anything. I understand how important it is to forgive. I understand how much you can actually care about someone. I understand how much it hurts when people give up on you.

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I would never commit suicide, but that doesn't mean it hasn't come through my head. Life's been really tough but I always have someone to help pick me back up. Whether it's Nicole, Chase, Abby, Kim, Melissa, Richard, or Justin I have friends who care about me. I love them all very much. Life's so rough and in all honesty, you can't get through it alone. Hold on tight. Things will get better.

Random Thoughts

Here's some random thoughts that won't leave my head.

J.C.

He's a mother effing loser.
Who does he think he is?
He can't just say something like that.
I don't understand him
I don't care to understand him.
I just don't care.
He makes me feel like crap.
He makes me hate myself.
He makes me angry.
He puts me in a really bad mood.
I just don't understand.

I wonder how R.F. feels.
Does he realize how much he means to me?
Does he ignore the fact of the matter?
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe there's something wrong with... me.
I don't understand this.
My feelings for him just consume me.
It doesn't make sense.
Or does it?
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be.
I really hope he never forgets about me.
I'll never forget him.

C.A.
Where do I begin?
His girlfriend is stupid.
He's so sweet.
But what is he to me?
He's a great friend.
What does he think of me?
I hope he knows he's a part of me.

I have some great friends.
Especially my girl friends
They're there for me.
And I couldn't thank them more.
It's been really tough lately.
I've really needed a leaning post

If only you knew.
Who knew those words could bring so much.. Hurt?
I said those and they were backfired on me like enemy fire.
I don't understand you.
I don't know if I want you in my life.

Hold me tight.
Tell me every thing's all right.
Tell me that you're going to be okay.

I don't know what to say, act, or think. But... All I know is.. The people who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind.

Screw Up

Oh my gosh. Why do I keep screwing up? Why do I feel like this? Why do I always do the wrong thing? What the hell is wrong with me? Do I say the wrong thing? Do I do the wrong thing? Did I meet the wrong person? Did I not do what I was supposed to? Am I really a rebel? Am I not rebel enough? Do I have too much of an attitude? Do I fall for the wrong people? Do I hang out with the wrong people? I just don't understand.

I don't understand people.

What is wrong with me?... I keep wondering this. It goes through my head every day. I just don't understand. I feel like I can't do anything right. Not even for my friends. Ugh. I just can't go through days like this anymore. I just can't.

Jealousy

It stung. After what I had told him... After what he had... Read... And he still had the nerve to bring her up. How could he? He knew how I felt and yet... He doesn't care. I don't understand. He says good things about her... Sometimes. I'm sure he disregards that things I say... The things I do.. And am willing to do. I'd give up everything to have him but.. Maybe Maybe I'm just being... Jealous.

What is jealousy? Why must I feel it? I feel it all the time. I'm just generally a jealous person. Maybe it's genes. I don't like it... But.. Why must I feel it over something that simply isn't mine? I don't own him. I don't own my best friend. I don't own anyone and yet, I must feel it.

He says he's so in love. He's finally got it right. I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night. Yes, those are the lyrics to my life. I've fallen into something crazy for this boy. The last time I felt this, it got me into trouble. The boy I liked, liked another girl. I just wanted to beat her down but then I was like.. Why can't I just be her?

Why can't I just be someone else? Why can't I be his someone? Why can't I be her? These questions go through my head as if they are in routine. And... It hurts. I don't want to feel jealous. I want to feel happy for them that they have found someone to make them happy. Maybe I'm just jealous of them.

Could it be that I am just jealous of the boy? He found someone that is making him happy and I haven't, is that why it hurts so much? Am I that pathetic? Maybe I am. Maybe being happy is not in the cards right now for me. Maybe I should just put on the fake smile and act like every thing's okay. Maybe then he'll notice me.

But I am so broken already.

He knows I'm broken. Maybe that's not it either. What if I'm not broken enough? What if I'm too broken? Maybe he can't piece me back together and that's what keeps him away.

What is wrong with me that keeps every guy away? I thought the first time I'd fallen in love things would just fall in place. But.. They fell out of place and everything was lost. What did I do wrong? Then the next guy... Again.. Everything was perfect... Did I say something wrong? What did I do? Everyone said we were perfect for each other. Was I too strong or too weak? What did I do? I wish I hadn't ever kissed him because I just couldn't resist him.. And now, there's... R.F.

I don't know what to do... I just don't. What's the matter with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I too outspoken? Do I cry too much? Is my heart too broken? Don't I make you laugh? Should I try harder? Why... Why do you see right through me?

I've been through so much... When and where's my happiness?

Am I just meant to be jealous of everyone and everything... Forever?

The Pursuit of Happiness

Smile. What is a smile? Does it really show happiness or was that what society said it had to be? Is it just that our culture says that's what it is or is it just because it is? How do we know that someone doesn't just smile to keep people from asking questions? Do they just smile to make it seem like everything is o.k. or in all reality is everything just wrong? How can we tell when someone is really actually happy? Some say you can tell by the sound in their voice and the look in their eyes but... I don't believe that. I think you just need to talk to them. Because a smile is worth a thousand words.

What is "the pursuit of happiness"? What is it really? We, as Americans, have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness but does anyone really know what it is? Is it different for everyone or is it really the same? Do people actually pursue to be happy? Do we look for happiness in everything that we do? What about knowing that we are going to get hurt in something we do? Are we seeking happiness in that or what is it that we are doing? The pursuit of happiness cannot be defined, or, can it?

Love. What is love? Why do we feel we need to be loved? Why do we fall in love? Why do we just love? Why do people love us? Why do people love things? Love is so confusing and it can bring you down but it can bring you up. Do we look for love or just wait for it? Is it all planned out or are we to make it?

Life comes with twists and turns. I never understand why. I have many a many times smiled just because people wanted me to but I didn't want to. I wanted to sulk in all my misery because life just.. Sucked. I would just smile and fake everything. The people who really know me... Were the only ones to really care.
I have wondered what I was to be pursuing as far as happiness. Is it love, money, success, or what is it really? I want to be loved. I want to be well-off. Call me greedy but who doesn't? I want to be successful doing what I want and love to do. Does that make me a bad person?

I love to smile because I love to feel happy. I pursue happiness in what I do. I feel like I could get hurt in some of the things I do but for moment, I can feel that happiness and that is worth all the pain. I love to love and I love being loved. Sometimes I don't feel the love but I know it's there. So, I'm going to smile because I am loved and I love and that makes me happy.

Friends

Life can bring you down... It can tear you apart... It can hurt you and make you want to end it... But.. Life can bring you up. It can build you up and be so wonderful. It can be everything you want it to be. Life throws us obstacles but nothing is too big that we can't get through. Even with a little bit of help. Some people say that it's the littlest things that count most... and I believe that.

I've had my fair share of both ups and downs. I've been way below ground level and I've been way up high above the beautiful Heavens. Today was a good day.

Today, I had some time to think. I love my life even when it's just so terrible. Because when something good happens, it means so much more. I really do have loving friends. I won't say names but I will give initials to those who have made me day complete and special: N.E., R.F., C.A., K.D., A.P., J.C., and M.K. They've brought so much love and care into my life and I can only thank them.

Today, I was informed about one of my friend's heart condition. I honestly thought I was going to cry. This boy, no, this man has been through his fair share of hell in this world and he deserves to be so happy and have a great life. But, he stays positive in all that is happening which I just couldn't understand. But, I think I finally get it now, he has friends who love and care about him and that is a great thing. I hope he can stay optimistic about the situation because all I will do is be there for him and pray because that man, means the world to me. Every day... I fall more for this man. He's becoming everything to me and I just hope and want to be something to him.

Today, I had a friend tell me that they missed me and wanted to see me more. I told told him that I work a lot and he could come see me anytime. He jokingly said would come and see me tonight at work. He told me he was going to ride his bike there in honor of me. Now, my work may only be about 2 miles away from him, but, he would have to ride his bike on 61 which would be scary. And much to my surprise and happiness, he came and saw me. I thought I was going to cry. It meant so much to me

Every time I need someone, I have my girl. The best thing about her is she's willing to listen to you. She loves to talk and try and help you out as much as she possibly can and that my dear friends, means so much. She deserves the world and I can only hope she gets that.

You see, I have great friends who love and care about me. I can only thank them so much and try to be there for them when they need me. It's all the little things that count the most. I love my friends so much.

Hope

Every day I put on that fake smile, that fake mask. Every day someone asks me how I'm doing. I put on a fake smile and simply state that I'm fine. Nothing seems to feel right anymore and even when I try talking about it, I feel like my cries are left unheard, unnoticed. My friends tell me the things I want to hear. I feel like they don't listen. I feel like nobody cares and that I'm all alone in this crazy, mixed up world. There could be twenty people in a room with me and I still feel alone.

But, I finally found someone I can talk to. That one person has made a bigger impact on my life than anyone else. Thank God.

Falling in love like in the movies has been something I've wanted. You know.. Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy falls for girl. Girl tells boy. Boy kisses girl, and things just fall into place with that. They fall so deeply in love they can't be without one another. Cinderella has been a fairy tale for every just about every girl. Prince Charming magically falls in love with her. Unfortunately, that's not how my works. My life is more like... The Little Mermaid. She has to go through some obstacles in her life and she falls for someone she simply cannot have. And so the story begins...

I fell in love with someone I simply could not have. He was everything I wanted in a guy and I could really talk to him. I felt so safe with him and he always made me feel so comfortable. He opened up to me and it just felt like we were meant to be. But, it couldn't be as simple as Cinderella. One day we were fine and then overnight... Whatever we had.. It was just... Over. After everything we'd been through, it wasn't enough.

For awhile, I blamed myself. I had so many thoughts going through my head. Everything was the matter with me. Everything was my fault. I was the stupid one. He just broke everything off.. Our friendship... Our plans... Our smiles and laughs.. Our talks... Our.. Life. I finally told myself that what happened... Wasn't my fault. He wasn't ready for what I was ready for... He finally started talking to me... And explained everything... But I still have a void.. Because... I miss what we... Had.

Things will never be the same again.

All I can do now is hope. Hope for the future. Hope that my friends will become true friends. Hope that I will find someone to make me happy. Hope that... One day... I'll be able to live my life the way I want to live it.

Hope is what I have.