I Love You in Another World

It's kind of amazing how many different ways and languages there are to say "I love you". There's even special ways to say it. Female to male, male to female, and even ways to say it to your pets. There are certain ways to say it to your friends and even to your teachers. Even within the same language, it could be used differently in another country that speaks the same language. But do you always say it in our language and actually mean it? Or do we say it in some other language because well.. We are actually afraid to say it so the listener feels good about themselves? Is that reason why we say "I love you"? Do we just want to please them? Or do we actually mean it? Love is so.. Intense.. Or is it? Love is so.. Capturing.. Or is it? What is love? Webster would define it as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." But would you consider it as such? Is it just a word we toss around? Has it lost it's meaning to lust and sex? Is there still hope out there for those of us who actually seek love?

I don't understand people who just settle for someone. Why wouldn't you want to strive for the person that you feel so passionately about? Is it because you come from two different worlds; you're an outcast and they're the most popular person? Are they younger than you and you are just worried that people will make fun of you? Are they older than you and you just aren't comfortable with being with someone older? Are you really worried about what other people think? Are you? Do you care that your friends think that the one you have fallen for is hideous? Or do you care that they are everything you could ask for? Do you honestly like them or are you just leading them on?

Why would you lead someone on? It hurts. There is no love in that.

J'capote su' toe' (Canadian French-basically, I'm head over heels for you)
Ik ben verliefd op je (Dutch- I am in love with you)
Se latrevo (Greek-I adore you)
Aloha wau ia 'oe nui loa (Hawaiian- I love you very much)
Kocham cie (Polish- I love you)
Ya tyebya lyublyu (Russian-I love you)
T'estim molt (Catalan- I love you very much)
Ti amo, Ti voglio bene (Between friends), Ti voglio (strong sexual reference)-Italian- I love you
Ego Amo te (Latin- I love you--Ego for emphasis)
I love you (English-generally meaning.. I love you, you dumbass. Get it through your head)

The word "love" is thrown around. It is played around with and.. Wherever you go, it means just about the same thing. While it's great to hear it in another language, saying it in person, with your language.. Beats out all else. I love you, simply that.

Black Roses

I don't know how I feel right now. I am happy but I am sad. I'm torn in all directions. Why do things have to be like this? So many paths to take. Do I take the new one && totally restart? Do I take the one that is broken? Or do I go for the path that I've already taken hoping that it will take me somewhere new? Will I be accepted on any of the paths? Who knows?

____________________________________________________________________

Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let the morning light come in and let the darkness fade away
Chorus:
Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?

Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me

Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz
I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love (x6)

Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love
I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love (until fades)

Barely Holding On

I can't breathe.
I can't take in air.
I can't stop thinking.
I can't get any space.
I can't stop thinking about anything.
I can't stop worrying about everything.
I can't stop caring.
I can't stop loving him.


I can't hold on.
I can't let go.
I can't be near him.
I can't be away from him.
I can't cry in front of him.
I can't not have his shoulder to cry on.


All I'm doing is hurting myself.


One day, I hope to wake up next to the guy who I make feel as special as he does me.
One day, I hope to hold hands with the guy whose fingers just fit.
One day, I hope to be held by the guy who doesn't want to let go.
One day, I hope that when I tell the guy I love him, he says it back and means it.
One day, I hope to find myself with the guy who won't give up on me.
One day, I hope to find the guy who talks with me without saying a word.
One day, I hope I find the most imperfect man for me.


I have to be guided.
I have to be waited for patiently.
I have to be loved.
I have to be cared for.
I have to be talked to.
I have to be listened to.
I have to know you're here and won't leave.

I don't want to live without my friends.
I don't want to live a lie.
I don't want to live without family.
I don't want to be lonely.
I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to get hurt.
I don't want to not be cared for.
I don't want to not be loved.

I will always have my education.
I will always have memories.
I will always have the people who have helped me.
I will always have that one night that was ours.
I will always have you in my heart.
Never forget that.

Given Up

I've given up.
I've given up on just about everything.
I've given up on love.
I've given up on boys.
I've given up on the human race.
I've given up on people.
I've given up on music.
I've given up on anything that has given up on me.
I've given up on high school.
I've given up on the education system.
I've given up on teachers.


It hurts. I really can't take the pain much longer. Is it so bad that I want someone to hold me? Is it so bad that I don't want it just to be anyone; I want it to be someone. Is it too much to ask? Am I too horrible to be happy? I don't think I'm that bad of a person. I'm pretty typical but maybe not the right typical. I cry like other people but... Maybe I cry too much. I do cry a lot. I think I'm pretty... Maybe I'm not pretty enough. What did I miss out on that everyone else got?

Apparently, something is the matter with me.

I'm a daughter hiding her depression.
I'm a sister making a good impression.
I'm your friend acting like I'm fine.
I'm a teenager pushing her tears aside.
I'm the girl sitting next to you.
I'm the one asking you to care.
I'm your best friend hoping you'll be there.
I'm the lover keeping it all in.
I'm the singer who chooses not to shine.
I'm the player not using her abilities.
I'm in the corner wishing someone would come over and ask me what's wrong.
I'm waiting for 11:11 to make you my wish.
I'm your someone, wanting you to love me back.

Maybe I'll be alone forever.

I'm so lost.

Thoughts

It's crazy that a song can make me just go nuts when I like I guy. I totally get into the song and all I do is think about him. But what's even more crazy is when every song starts to make you think about him. He's very into music and music is my life, maybe that's why. It's all around crazy feeling, but... I like it. :) I love the way he makes me feel. When I'm with him, I feel... Magical. I can confide in him like no one else and it's amazing. (I really need to come up with a different word than amazing. I'm checking a thesaurus.) He's marvelous. :) (My new word) He says he can confide in me too which is a great feeling. It really is a self esteem boost. Find someone who makes you happy and don't give up on them. I've been happy with other guys but not like this. I get miserable with other guys too... But I don't with him. I'm always happy. I've always been happy. I really like it.

I find it unbearable that one of your best friends like almost forgets about you. I miss her dearly. Come back to me.

Abby, I love you. Hahaha.. I just wanted to add that in there. I hope you're not deaf from me yelling into the phone. :) <3

School is great. I hope everyone and myself does excellent this year. I'm so excited. I start college tomorrow night so, wish me luck!

Maybe I'll go visit Nicole before class. I wonder if she has time for me.

Richard, I miss you. I realize you're busy but mann, I miss you. I better see you when I go up there or else. ;)

Chasey, keep holding on.

I just want to be held. My goodness. I hate and love this song all at the same time. Damnit.

JUSTIN. I have no idea how I'm going to survive Photo without you. Hahaa.. Stick with me.

Kimberly Elaine, I miss you terribly. Something happened yesterday and you would have been the first person I came too about it, instead I kept it bottled up. Meehh. I love you.

Kelly Michelle, I miss you terribly too. Come back to Iowa and see me.

These are just some random things going around in my mind.

I'm in a fairly good mood though.

Him :) <3

He makes me feel so good about myself. :) I love being near him. :) He's so sweet. :) He's so good to me. :) I love to miss him because he misses me too. :) Maybe I'm falling for him. :) Who knows? :) I'm very happy right now. :) :) I love this happy. :) I've had this happy before. :) The last guy who I felt this happy with is now a good friend!..:) Happy, happy, happy!! :) <3>

Coming Undone

It falls to pieces. It keeps falling. It's broken. It's shattered. It's crushed. I don't understand. Why does life have to throw bad things at me? I feel so lost. My world is broken. I am broken and I don't like it. I feel so unhappy. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I act. I hate the way I am. I wish I was something more. I wish that I didn't feel so used. I feel so... Hurt and I don't understand why. Maybe I should just go away. Maybe I should just get away from here. But I love it here. I need someone. I need something. I hate being lonely. It's times like these when I need certain people all at once. I need Nicole. I need Richard. I may even need Chase. I need... A hug. I need love. I need some care. I want to know things. I need deep conversation. I need medicine. My insides hurt. I have a headache. All the thoughts have me spinning. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe bipolar or something. Maybe I'm depressed. I feel really depressed. I feel dark. I feel down. It's not good. I feel like when I get happy, something has to take the happiness away. Why do I feel this way?

I took the day off to go to a birthday party. I just told my mom I just wanted it off. I told him that I just had it off. But.. I took it off for a special reason. I wanted to go to the party. I wanted to give her a hug. I wanted to have a good conversation with him. I wanted him to apologize for everything. I wanted to feel something again. But oh well. Some thing's wrong with me. I don't understand.

I can't take the stress. It's unbearable.

I'm so tired. My body aches. I'm so wore out. But I can't sleep. I don't understand. I can't take this but.. I'm strong. I hope to get through. I tell everyone to hold on... Maybe I should just keep holding on. Maybe that'll help.

But it hurts.

I want someone to love me.. Yes, I'm young but I still have a heart. I still feel things. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I don't feel what love is. It doesn't mean I can't love. Heck, being a teenager my emotions are crazy. How do you know it doesn't hurt more? But.. Oh well.. I'm not complaining. I just want someone to hold me and tell me every thing's all right now that they're here. Someday.

I'm about to lay down and hope to sleep. I hope to dream of better things.

Good night.

Friends: Day One

So, over the next few days here I will be posting a blog about each of my friends. It'll tell the story of how we met and so on and so forth. I've been thinking about how I was going to go about this so.. Here it goes.

Richard
So, it was kind of different how I met Richard. I'd seen him in Quiz Bowl beginning in my Freshman year and that's about the only place I'd noticed him. I remember going to my first Quiz Bowl tournament and our team got totally CREAMED by his team. I saw him and I was like... Hmmmm... Smart ass. :P He's so smart. It's unbelievable. But anywho, I remember thinking, you're not going to fall for him. Crazy what you think you think, eh? Ha.. But anyway.. I didn't ever really say anything to him.. But.. That's because I was dumb. Who knew he was going to be such a great guy?

In my Sophomore year, I became more involved in things. I began seeing him a little bit more. Being stupid I still didn't talk to him. I saw him at Quiz Bowl tournaments and such but being a psycho... Never said anything to him. Finally, in March, there was a Conference Honor Choir and one of our mutual friends Stephanie and I really started talking. We were like... Hey.. You're in Quiz Bowl, aren't you? I told her that our team FEARED hers and especially that one kid. Lol. And she's like, what kid? Then as if she knew who I was talking about... Epiphany.. Lol.. OH RICHARD!.. Yea.. He thinks he's smart. I was like.. Thinks? He knows! And we just laughed... Later on that day, they had auditions for solos. I thought for kicks and giggles that I would go try out even though I'd never even heard the solos... Well, Richard was trying out.. And.. I'll tell ya.. To this day, I still don't understand why that other guy got that solo when he totally sucked it up even in auditions. Richard is... Amazing. Absolutely amazing at singing. Wow. But.. After that night, we started Facebooking. And he turned out to be absolutely amazing.

Lately though, things have been going on with him that... I just don't understand. I wish more than anything that he didn't have to go through this stuff. It's terrible. I just want him to know he means the world to me and that I am always here. I want him to know that I'm his leaning post with respect. Lol.

I have an irrational fear with him though. I'm afraid that he will forget me.

I hope he doesn't.

____________________________________________________________________


Nicole.
Where do I begin?
I've known her for over a year && a half.
I love this girl to death.
We met through Collin and it was because of Ben. Ew.
Disgusting.
But anyway...
I don't know where I'd be without her.
I have so much to say about her but... I don't know where to start.
She's beautiful, absolutely brilliant, and she has a great sense of humor.
She's always... Always there for me. I couldn't thank her more.
I just hope she knows that no matter what... NO MATTER WHAT... She means the world to me and I'll always be here for her.
Because.
I love her very very much.

____________________________________________________________________

Tomorrow, is another day with more about my amazing friends.

Crazy

You know.. Things always happen and we don't know why. We don't necessarily understand. If things are supposed be like this then why must they be? Why can't we fix things as quick as they were broken? Why can't things be the way they used to be? Maybe it's fate. Maybe something better is to come along or maybe... Every thing is perfect the way it should be.

I had an up-down summer. More like.. Down-up-down-up. Haha.. At the very beginning of the summer, I lost someone who meant a lot to me. I felt like crap. But.. What was it that I missed? Was it what we had? Or was it what we did? Or was it just him that I missed?... What was it that was tearing me down into a million pieces because he wasn't there anymore? Then.. It hit me... I missed having someone actually listen to me.

He wasn't a big talker but.. He talked. I could talk for hours about complete nothingness and he'd listen. He was so sweet in that aspect. But.. We could talk about school, work, friends, and such but.. I always felt comfortable. I could always tell he was listening. I really felt special and like someone cared. It was nice.

One night, I was having major family issues and... he was there to comfort me. I'm sure more than anything that he was overwhelmed by what I had told him... But.. He didn't say he was. He just listened... And that meant so much. I was able to spill my guts and just tell him everything and I'd never experienced that before.

I miss that. And maybe I'll always miss that with him.. But.. Who knows?... I still miss him now even though we talk. There's been so many times where I've needed him... And he wasn't there. But.. I've made it this far.. I just.. Don't want him to hate me.

___________________________________________________________________________

Life's kinda crazy. It puts things in weird perspectives for you. It throws odd things at you. Things you just don't understand. I don't understand most of my life. I don't understand why ducks waddle, why fish swim, or why Tigger and Pooh are best friends but that doesn't mean I don't understand anything. I understand how important it is to forgive. I understand how much you can actually care about someone. I understand how much it hurts when people give up on you.

___________________________________________________________________________

I would never commit suicide, but that doesn't mean it hasn't come through my head. Life's been really tough but I always have someone to help pick me back up. Whether it's Nicole, Chase, Abby, Kim, Melissa, Richard, or Justin I have friends who care about me. I love them all very much. Life's so rough and in all honesty, you can't get through it alone. Hold on tight. Things will get better.

Jealousy

It stung. After what I had told him... After what he had... Read... And he still had the nerve to bring her up. How could he? He knew how I felt and yet... He doesn't care. I don't understand. He says good things about her... Sometimes. I'm sure he disregards that things I say... The things I do.. And am willing to do. I'd give up everything to have him but.. Maybe Maybe I'm just being... Jealous.

What is jealousy? Why must I feel it? I feel it all the time. I'm just generally a jealous person. Maybe it's genes. I don't like it... But.. Why must I feel it over something that simply isn't mine? I don't own him. I don't own my best friend. I don't own anyone and yet, I must feel it.

He says he's so in love. He's finally got it right. I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night. Yes, those are the lyrics to my life. I've fallen into something crazy for this boy. The last time I felt this, it got me into trouble. The boy I liked, liked another girl. I just wanted to beat her down but then I was like.. Why can't I just be her?

Why can't I just be someone else? Why can't I be his someone? Why can't I be her? These questions go through my head as if they are in routine. And... It hurts. I don't want to feel jealous. I want to feel happy for them that they have found someone to make them happy. Maybe I'm just jealous of them.

Could it be that I am just jealous of the boy? He found someone that is making him happy and I haven't, is that why it hurts so much? Am I that pathetic? Maybe I am. Maybe being happy is not in the cards right now for me. Maybe I should just put on the fake smile and act like every thing's okay. Maybe then he'll notice me.

But I am so broken already.

He knows I'm broken. Maybe that's not it either. What if I'm not broken enough? What if I'm too broken? Maybe he can't piece me back together and that's what keeps him away.

What is wrong with me that keeps every guy away? I thought the first time I'd fallen in love things would just fall in place. But.. They fell out of place and everything was lost. What did I do wrong? Then the next guy... Again.. Everything was perfect... Did I say something wrong? What did I do? Everyone said we were perfect for each other. Was I too strong or too weak? What did I do? I wish I hadn't ever kissed him because I just couldn't resist him.. And now, there's... R.F.

I don't know what to do... I just don't. What's the matter with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I too outspoken? Do I cry too much? Is my heart too broken? Don't I make you laugh? Should I try harder? Why... Why do you see right through me?

I've been through so much... When and where's my happiness?

Am I just meant to be jealous of everyone and everything... Forever?

The Pursuit of Happiness

Smile. What is a smile? Does it really show happiness or was that what society said it had to be? Is it just that our culture says that's what it is or is it just because it is? How do we know that someone doesn't just smile to keep people from asking questions? Do they just smile to make it seem like everything is o.k. or in all reality is everything just wrong? How can we tell when someone is really actually happy? Some say you can tell by the sound in their voice and the look in their eyes but... I don't believe that. I think you just need to talk to them. Because a smile is worth a thousand words.

What is "the pursuit of happiness"? What is it really? We, as Americans, have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness but does anyone really know what it is? Is it different for everyone or is it really the same? Do people actually pursue to be happy? Do we look for happiness in everything that we do? What about knowing that we are going to get hurt in something we do? Are we seeking happiness in that or what is it that we are doing? The pursuit of happiness cannot be defined, or, can it?

Love. What is love? Why do we feel we need to be loved? Why do we fall in love? Why do we just love? Why do people love us? Why do people love things? Love is so confusing and it can bring you down but it can bring you up. Do we look for love or just wait for it? Is it all planned out or are we to make it?

Life comes with twists and turns. I never understand why. I have many a many times smiled just because people wanted me to but I didn't want to. I wanted to sulk in all my misery because life just.. Sucked. I would just smile and fake everything. The people who really know me... Were the only ones to really care.
I have wondered what I was to be pursuing as far as happiness. Is it love, money, success, or what is it really? I want to be loved. I want to be well-off. Call me greedy but who doesn't? I want to be successful doing what I want and love to do. Does that make me a bad person?

I love to smile because I love to feel happy. I pursue happiness in what I do. I feel like I could get hurt in some of the things I do but for moment, I can feel that happiness and that is worth all the pain. I love to love and I love being loved. Sometimes I don't feel the love but I know it's there. So, I'm going to smile because I am loved and I love and that makes me happy.