Black Roses

I don't know how I feel right now. I am happy but I am sad. I'm torn in all directions. Why do things have to be like this? So many paths to take. Do I take the new one && totally restart? Do I take the one that is broken? Or do I go for the path that I've already taken hoping that it will take me somewhere new? Will I be accepted on any of the paths? Who knows?

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Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let the morning light come in and let the darkness fade away
Chorus:
Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?

Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me

Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz
I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love (x6)

Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love
I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love (until fades)

Barely Holding On

I can't breathe.
I can't take in air.
I can't stop thinking.
I can't get any space.
I can't stop thinking about anything.
I can't stop worrying about everything.
I can't stop caring.
I can't stop loving him.


I can't hold on.
I can't let go.
I can't be near him.
I can't be away from him.
I can't cry in front of him.
I can't not have his shoulder to cry on.


All I'm doing is hurting myself.


One day, I hope to wake up next to the guy who I make feel as special as he does me.
One day, I hope to hold hands with the guy whose fingers just fit.
One day, I hope to be held by the guy who doesn't want to let go.
One day, I hope that when I tell the guy I love him, he says it back and means it.
One day, I hope to find myself with the guy who won't give up on me.
One day, I hope to find the guy who talks with me without saying a word.
One day, I hope I find the most imperfect man for me.


I have to be guided.
I have to be waited for patiently.
I have to be loved.
I have to be cared for.
I have to be talked to.
I have to be listened to.
I have to know you're here and won't leave.

I don't want to live without my friends.
I don't want to live a lie.
I don't want to live without family.
I don't want to be lonely.
I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to get hurt.
I don't want to not be cared for.
I don't want to not be loved.

I will always have my education.
I will always have memories.
I will always have the people who have helped me.
I will always have that one night that was ours.
I will always have you in my heart.
Never forget that.

Coming Undone

It falls to pieces. It keeps falling. It's broken. It's shattered. It's crushed. I don't understand. Why does life have to throw bad things at me? I feel so lost. My world is broken. I am broken and I don't like it. I feel so unhappy. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I act. I hate the way I am. I wish I was something more. I wish that I didn't feel so used. I feel so... Hurt and I don't understand why. Maybe I should just go away. Maybe I should just get away from here. But I love it here. I need someone. I need something. I hate being lonely. It's times like these when I need certain people all at once. I need Nicole. I need Richard. I may even need Chase. I need... A hug. I need love. I need some care. I want to know things. I need deep conversation. I need medicine. My insides hurt. I have a headache. All the thoughts have me spinning. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe bipolar or something. Maybe I'm depressed. I feel really depressed. I feel dark. I feel down. It's not good. I feel like when I get happy, something has to take the happiness away. Why do I feel this way?

I took the day off to go to a birthday party. I just told my mom I just wanted it off. I told him that I just had it off. But.. I took it off for a special reason. I wanted to go to the party. I wanted to give her a hug. I wanted to have a good conversation with him. I wanted him to apologize for everything. I wanted to feel something again. But oh well. Some thing's wrong with me. I don't understand.

I can't take the stress. It's unbearable.

I'm so tired. My body aches. I'm so wore out. But I can't sleep. I don't understand. I can't take this but.. I'm strong. I hope to get through. I tell everyone to hold on... Maybe I should just keep holding on. Maybe that'll help.

But it hurts.

I want someone to love me.. Yes, I'm young but I still have a heart. I still feel things. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I don't feel what love is. It doesn't mean I can't love. Heck, being a teenager my emotions are crazy. How do you know it doesn't hurt more? But.. Oh well.. I'm not complaining. I just want someone to hold me and tell me every thing's all right now that they're here. Someday.

I'm about to lay down and hope to sleep. I hope to dream of better things.

Good night.

Crazy

You know.. Things always happen and we don't know why. We don't necessarily understand. If things are supposed be like this then why must they be? Why can't we fix things as quick as they were broken? Why can't things be the way they used to be? Maybe it's fate. Maybe something better is to come along or maybe... Every thing is perfect the way it should be.

I had an up-down summer. More like.. Down-up-down-up. Haha.. At the very beginning of the summer, I lost someone who meant a lot to me. I felt like crap. But.. What was it that I missed? Was it what we had? Or was it what we did? Or was it just him that I missed?... What was it that was tearing me down into a million pieces because he wasn't there anymore? Then.. It hit me... I missed having someone actually listen to me.

He wasn't a big talker but.. He talked. I could talk for hours about complete nothingness and he'd listen. He was so sweet in that aspect. But.. We could talk about school, work, friends, and such but.. I always felt comfortable. I could always tell he was listening. I really felt special and like someone cared. It was nice.

One night, I was having major family issues and... he was there to comfort me. I'm sure more than anything that he was overwhelmed by what I had told him... But.. He didn't say he was. He just listened... And that meant so much. I was able to spill my guts and just tell him everything and I'd never experienced that before.

I miss that. And maybe I'll always miss that with him.. But.. Who knows?... I still miss him now even though we talk. There's been so many times where I've needed him... And he wasn't there. But.. I've made it this far.. I just.. Don't want him to hate me.

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Life's kinda crazy. It puts things in weird perspectives for you. It throws odd things at you. Things you just don't understand. I don't understand most of my life. I don't understand why ducks waddle, why fish swim, or why Tigger and Pooh are best friends but that doesn't mean I don't understand anything. I understand how important it is to forgive. I understand how much you can actually care about someone. I understand how much it hurts when people give up on you.

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I would never commit suicide, but that doesn't mean it hasn't come through my head. Life's been really tough but I always have someone to help pick me back up. Whether it's Nicole, Chase, Abby, Kim, Melissa, Richard, or Justin I have friends who care about me. I love them all very much. Life's so rough and in all honesty, you can't get through it alone. Hold on tight. Things will get better.

Random Thoughts

Here's some random thoughts that won't leave my head.

J.C.

He's a mother effing loser.
Who does he think he is?
He can't just say something like that.
I don't understand him
I don't care to understand him.
I just don't care.
He makes me feel like crap.
He makes me hate myself.
He makes me angry.
He puts me in a really bad mood.
I just don't understand.

I wonder how R.F. feels.
Does he realize how much he means to me?
Does he ignore the fact of the matter?
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe there's something wrong with... me.
I don't understand this.
My feelings for him just consume me.
It doesn't make sense.
Or does it?
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be.
I really hope he never forgets about me.
I'll never forget him.

C.A.
Where do I begin?
His girlfriend is stupid.
He's so sweet.
But what is he to me?
He's a great friend.
What does he think of me?
I hope he knows he's a part of me.

I have some great friends.
Especially my girl friends
They're there for me.
And I couldn't thank them more.
It's been really tough lately.
I've really needed a leaning post

If only you knew.
Who knew those words could bring so much.. Hurt?
I said those and they were backfired on me like enemy fire.
I don't understand you.
I don't know if I want you in my life.

Hold me tight.
Tell me every thing's all right.
Tell me that you're going to be okay.

I don't know what to say, act, or think. But... All I know is.. The people who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Smile. What is a smile? Does it really show happiness or was that what society said it had to be? Is it just that our culture says that's what it is or is it just because it is? How do we know that someone doesn't just smile to keep people from asking questions? Do they just smile to make it seem like everything is o.k. or in all reality is everything just wrong? How can we tell when someone is really actually happy? Some say you can tell by the sound in their voice and the look in their eyes but... I don't believe that. I think you just need to talk to them. Because a smile is worth a thousand words.

What is "the pursuit of happiness"? What is it really? We, as Americans, have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness but does anyone really know what it is? Is it different for everyone or is it really the same? Do people actually pursue to be happy? Do we look for happiness in everything that we do? What about knowing that we are going to get hurt in something we do? Are we seeking happiness in that or what is it that we are doing? The pursuit of happiness cannot be defined, or, can it?

Love. What is love? Why do we feel we need to be loved? Why do we fall in love? Why do we just love? Why do people love us? Why do people love things? Love is so confusing and it can bring you down but it can bring you up. Do we look for love or just wait for it? Is it all planned out or are we to make it?

Life comes with twists and turns. I never understand why. I have many a many times smiled just because people wanted me to but I didn't want to. I wanted to sulk in all my misery because life just.. Sucked. I would just smile and fake everything. The people who really know me... Were the only ones to really care.
I have wondered what I was to be pursuing as far as happiness. Is it love, money, success, or what is it really? I want to be loved. I want to be well-off. Call me greedy but who doesn't? I want to be successful doing what I want and love to do. Does that make me a bad person?

I love to smile because I love to feel happy. I pursue happiness in what I do. I feel like I could get hurt in some of the things I do but for moment, I can feel that happiness and that is worth all the pain. I love to love and I love being loved. Sometimes I don't feel the love but I know it's there. So, I'm going to smile because I am loved and I love and that makes me happy.

Friends

Life can bring you down... It can tear you apart... It can hurt you and make you want to end it... But.. Life can bring you up. It can build you up and be so wonderful. It can be everything you want it to be. Life throws us obstacles but nothing is too big that we can't get through. Even with a little bit of help. Some people say that it's the littlest things that count most... and I believe that.

I've had my fair share of both ups and downs. I've been way below ground level and I've been way up high above the beautiful Heavens. Today was a good day.

Today, I had some time to think. I love my life even when it's just so terrible. Because when something good happens, it means so much more. I really do have loving friends. I won't say names but I will give initials to those who have made me day complete and special: N.E., R.F., C.A., K.D., A.P., J.C., and M.K. They've brought so much love and care into my life and I can only thank them.

Today, I was informed about one of my friend's heart condition. I honestly thought I was going to cry. This boy, no, this man has been through his fair share of hell in this world and he deserves to be so happy and have a great life. But, he stays positive in all that is happening which I just couldn't understand. But, I think I finally get it now, he has friends who love and care about him and that is a great thing. I hope he can stay optimistic about the situation because all I will do is be there for him and pray because that man, means the world to me. Every day... I fall more for this man. He's becoming everything to me and I just hope and want to be something to him.

Today, I had a friend tell me that they missed me and wanted to see me more. I told told him that I work a lot and he could come see me anytime. He jokingly said would come and see me tonight at work. He told me he was going to ride his bike there in honor of me. Now, my work may only be about 2 miles away from him, but, he would have to ride his bike on 61 which would be scary. And much to my surprise and happiness, he came and saw me. I thought I was going to cry. It meant so much to me

Every time I need someone, I have my girl. The best thing about her is she's willing to listen to you. She loves to talk and try and help you out as much as she possibly can and that my dear friends, means so much. She deserves the world and I can only hope she gets that.

You see, I have great friends who love and care about me. I can only thank them so much and try to be there for them when they need me. It's all the little things that count the most. I love my friends so much.