Random Thoughts

Here's some random thoughts that won't leave my head.

J.C.

He's a mother effing loser.
Who does he think he is?
He can't just say something like that.
I don't understand him
I don't care to understand him.
I just don't care.
He makes me feel like crap.
He makes me hate myself.
He makes me angry.
He puts me in a really bad mood.
I just don't understand.

I wonder how R.F. feels.
Does he realize how much he means to me?
Does he ignore the fact of the matter?
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe there's something wrong with... me.
I don't understand this.
My feelings for him just consume me.
It doesn't make sense.
Or does it?
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be.
I really hope he never forgets about me.
I'll never forget him.

C.A.
Where do I begin?
His girlfriend is stupid.
He's so sweet.
But what is he to me?
He's a great friend.
What does he think of me?
I hope he knows he's a part of me.

I have some great friends.
Especially my girl friends
They're there for me.
And I couldn't thank them more.
It's been really tough lately.
I've really needed a leaning post

If only you knew.
Who knew those words could bring so much.. Hurt?
I said those and they were backfired on me like enemy fire.
I don't understand you.
I don't know if I want you in my life.

Hold me tight.
Tell me every thing's all right.
Tell me that you're going to be okay.

I don't know what to say, act, or think. But... All I know is.. The people who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind.

Hope

Every day I put on that fake smile, that fake mask. Every day someone asks me how I'm doing. I put on a fake smile and simply state that I'm fine. Nothing seems to feel right anymore and even when I try talking about it, I feel like my cries are left unheard, unnoticed. My friends tell me the things I want to hear. I feel like they don't listen. I feel like nobody cares and that I'm all alone in this crazy, mixed up world. There could be twenty people in a room with me and I still feel alone.

But, I finally found someone I can talk to. That one person has made a bigger impact on my life than anyone else. Thank God.

Falling in love like in the movies has been something I've wanted. You know.. Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy falls for girl. Girl tells boy. Boy kisses girl, and things just fall into place with that. They fall so deeply in love they can't be without one another. Cinderella has been a fairy tale for every just about every girl. Prince Charming magically falls in love with her. Unfortunately, that's not how my works. My life is more like... The Little Mermaid. She has to go through some obstacles in her life and she falls for someone she simply cannot have. And so the story begins...

I fell in love with someone I simply could not have. He was everything I wanted in a guy and I could really talk to him. I felt so safe with him and he always made me feel so comfortable. He opened up to me and it just felt like we were meant to be. But, it couldn't be as simple as Cinderella. One day we were fine and then overnight... Whatever we had.. It was just... Over. After everything we'd been through, it wasn't enough.

For awhile, I blamed myself. I had so many thoughts going through my head. Everything was the matter with me. Everything was my fault. I was the stupid one. He just broke everything off.. Our friendship... Our plans... Our smiles and laughs.. Our talks... Our.. Life. I finally told myself that what happened... Wasn't my fault. He wasn't ready for what I was ready for... He finally started talking to me... And explained everything... But I still have a void.. Because... I miss what we... Had.

Things will never be the same again.

All I can do now is hope. Hope for the future. Hope that my friends will become true friends. Hope that I will find someone to make me happy. Hope that... One day... I'll be able to live my life the way I want to live it.

Hope is what I have.