Lie

I am jealous. I am jealous. I hate me. I hate me so much. UGH. What is wrong with me? Why is everything coming down like rain? What the heck? I'm sick of this. It hurts. Maybe I should just tell my dad that I really want him to get a job out in Oregon. I can go out there for my senior year and stay out there for college. Maybe that's suppose to happen. Ughh.. Who knows? What am I supposed to do anymore?

The one thing I love most is being taken away from me piece by piece.. Music has been my escape. Music has been my life. Music is.. was.. is.. everything. It's the thing that I've always had.. But.. It's not there anymore.. It's been taken away.. What do you do when something you love has been snatched? There's nothing you can do. It's gone for now, babe. To the teacher who made that certain.. I hope you realize that you didn't help make my dream come true.. You helped take it away.

UGH. Boys. Boys. Boys. Boys. You've got me lost. As usual. What do you do when things just.. Don't fall into place like they should? Or maybe.. Shouldn't. You lose yourself in something you think is great. What happens when.. He tells you he likes someone else.. ? Someone that.. Came into his life.. After you?.. How are you suppose to act? What are you suppose to say? What are you suppose to do with yourself? You look in the mirror and yell and scream.. You plead and cry why.. You tell yourself you're hideous and you want to know what's wrong with you.. You take the blade and you cut yourself hoping to relieve the pain.. Or for someone to notice.. You call yourself names that nobody will hear.. You pray to God "what's wrong with me and why did you make me this way?". You look at yourself and you think.. After what I did.. For him.. You look at yourself and want to cut all your hair off.. You want to rip off that Hollister polo and just scream. You are disgusted with yourself.. And it's just because he told you he liked someone else.. And you told him you moved on. But are you jealous or are you confused? Who knows because you don't.

To that boy...

I lied.

Black Roses

I don't know how I feel right now. I am happy but I am sad. I'm torn in all directions. Why do things have to be like this? So many paths to take. Do I take the new one && totally restart? Do I take the one that is broken? Or do I go for the path that I've already taken hoping that it will take me somewhere new? Will I be accepted on any of the paths? Who knows?

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Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let the morning light come in and let the darkness fade away
Chorus:
Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?

Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me

Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz
I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love (x6)

Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love
I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love (until fades)

Barely Holding On

I can't breathe.
I can't take in air.
I can't stop thinking.
I can't get any space.
I can't stop thinking about anything.
I can't stop worrying about everything.
I can't stop caring.
I can't stop loving him.


I can't hold on.
I can't let go.
I can't be near him.
I can't be away from him.
I can't cry in front of him.
I can't not have his shoulder to cry on.


All I'm doing is hurting myself.


One day, I hope to wake up next to the guy who I make feel as special as he does me.
One day, I hope to hold hands with the guy whose fingers just fit.
One day, I hope to be held by the guy who doesn't want to let go.
One day, I hope that when I tell the guy I love him, he says it back and means it.
One day, I hope to find myself with the guy who won't give up on me.
One day, I hope to find the guy who talks with me without saying a word.
One day, I hope I find the most imperfect man for me.


I have to be guided.
I have to be waited for patiently.
I have to be loved.
I have to be cared for.
I have to be talked to.
I have to be listened to.
I have to know you're here and won't leave.

I don't want to live without my friends.
I don't want to live a lie.
I don't want to live without family.
I don't want to be lonely.
I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to get hurt.
I don't want to not be cared for.
I don't want to not be loved.

I will always have my education.
I will always have memories.
I will always have the people who have helped me.
I will always have that one night that was ours.
I will always have you in my heart.
Never forget that.

Thoughts

So, I have so many thoughts and just I though I'd blog about them. :)

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I can't believe he actually said that. Trying to get my own friends to turn against me with nothing to back him up. We used to be connected at the hip. Do I really care? I don't think so. Who knows? Was she involved in this? Why would she? Why wouldn't she? Why could she? Who knows? I'm in high school, not jr. high.

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Does he like me? Did he once have feelings for me? He's so sweet. I can't stop thinking about him. Do I love him? Why am I still holding on? Is there something there? Should I keep holding on? I wish for him all the time. He's total opposite from me, illogical, hard to hold on to..& i can't stop thinking about him..i want to be the one you're thinking about.. the one you're missing.. the one you want to hold.. the one that you say "i love you more than anything" to..♥.

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Band && Choir are officially my favorite classes again. :) Along with my newly found favorite class, Photography. I love it. :)

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I have great people in my life. I have great people that I care about and who really care about me. It's really a great feeling. :)

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Condoms. :)

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I just felt like throwing something in that was totally random. :)

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I am happy with my life right now. It may not seem like it, but I really am. I'm going to try and not let things get me down. :)

Untitled

I can't take it anymore. I really can't. Everyone is always trying to bring me down. I can't do it. It hurts. It really hurts. I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm barely hanging on. I'm really down and I am so out. I need to breathe. I need change. I just need to get away.