Barely Holding On

I can't breathe.
I can't take in air.
I can't stop thinking.
I can't get any space.
I can't stop thinking about anything.
I can't stop worrying about everything.
I can't stop caring.
I can't stop loving him.


I can't hold on.
I can't let go.
I can't be near him.
I can't be away from him.
I can't cry in front of him.
I can't not have his shoulder to cry on.


All I'm doing is hurting myself.


One day, I hope to wake up next to the guy who I make feel as special as he does me.
One day, I hope to hold hands with the guy whose fingers just fit.
One day, I hope to be held by the guy who doesn't want to let go.
One day, I hope that when I tell the guy I love him, he says it back and means it.
One day, I hope to find myself with the guy who won't give up on me.
One day, I hope to find the guy who talks with me without saying a word.
One day, I hope I find the most imperfect man for me.


I have to be guided.
I have to be waited for patiently.
I have to be loved.
I have to be cared for.
I have to be talked to.
I have to be listened to.
I have to know you're here and won't leave.

I don't want to live without my friends.
I don't want to live a lie.
I don't want to live without family.
I don't want to be lonely.
I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to get hurt.
I don't want to not be cared for.
I don't want to not be loved.

I will always have my education.
I will always have memories.
I will always have the people who have helped me.
I will always have that one night that was ours.
I will always have you in my heart.
Never forget that.

Random Thoughts

Here's some random thoughts that won't leave my head.

J.C.

He's a mother effing loser.
Who does he think he is?
He can't just say something like that.
I don't understand him
I don't care to understand him.
I just don't care.
He makes me feel like crap.
He makes me hate myself.
He makes me angry.
He puts me in a really bad mood.
I just don't understand.

I wonder how R.F. feels.
Does he realize how much he means to me?
Does he ignore the fact of the matter?
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe there's something wrong with... me.
I don't understand this.
My feelings for him just consume me.
It doesn't make sense.
Or does it?
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be.
I really hope he never forgets about me.
I'll never forget him.

C.A.
Where do I begin?
His girlfriend is stupid.
He's so sweet.
But what is he to me?
He's a great friend.
What does he think of me?
I hope he knows he's a part of me.

I have some great friends.
Especially my girl friends
They're there for me.
And I couldn't thank them more.
It's been really tough lately.
I've really needed a leaning post

If only you knew.
Who knew those words could bring so much.. Hurt?
I said those and they were backfired on me like enemy fire.
I don't understand you.
I don't know if I want you in my life.

Hold me tight.
Tell me every thing's all right.
Tell me that you're going to be okay.

I don't know what to say, act, or think. But... All I know is.. The people who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind.

Jealousy

It stung. After what I had told him... After what he had... Read... And he still had the nerve to bring her up. How could he? He knew how I felt and yet... He doesn't care. I don't understand. He says good things about her... Sometimes. I'm sure he disregards that things I say... The things I do.. And am willing to do. I'd give up everything to have him but.. Maybe Maybe I'm just being... Jealous.

What is jealousy? Why must I feel it? I feel it all the time. I'm just generally a jealous person. Maybe it's genes. I don't like it... But.. Why must I feel it over something that simply isn't mine? I don't own him. I don't own my best friend. I don't own anyone and yet, I must feel it.

He says he's so in love. He's finally got it right. I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night. Yes, those are the lyrics to my life. I've fallen into something crazy for this boy. The last time I felt this, it got me into trouble. The boy I liked, liked another girl. I just wanted to beat her down but then I was like.. Why can't I just be her?

Why can't I just be someone else? Why can't I be his someone? Why can't I be her? These questions go through my head as if they are in routine. And... It hurts. I don't want to feel jealous. I want to feel happy for them that they have found someone to make them happy. Maybe I'm just jealous of them.

Could it be that I am just jealous of the boy? He found someone that is making him happy and I haven't, is that why it hurts so much? Am I that pathetic? Maybe I am. Maybe being happy is not in the cards right now for me. Maybe I should just put on the fake smile and act like every thing's okay. Maybe then he'll notice me.

But I am so broken already.

He knows I'm broken. Maybe that's not it either. What if I'm not broken enough? What if I'm too broken? Maybe he can't piece me back together and that's what keeps him away.

What is wrong with me that keeps every guy away? I thought the first time I'd fallen in love things would just fall in place. But.. They fell out of place and everything was lost. What did I do wrong? Then the next guy... Again.. Everything was perfect... Did I say something wrong? What did I do? Everyone said we were perfect for each other. Was I too strong or too weak? What did I do? I wish I hadn't ever kissed him because I just couldn't resist him.. And now, there's... R.F.

I don't know what to do... I just don't. What's the matter with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I too outspoken? Do I cry too much? Is my heart too broken? Don't I make you laugh? Should I try harder? Why... Why do you see right through me?

I've been through so much... When and where's my happiness?

Am I just meant to be jealous of everyone and everything... Forever?

Hope

Every day I put on that fake smile, that fake mask. Every day someone asks me how I'm doing. I put on a fake smile and simply state that I'm fine. Nothing seems to feel right anymore and even when I try talking about it, I feel like my cries are left unheard, unnoticed. My friends tell me the things I want to hear. I feel like they don't listen. I feel like nobody cares and that I'm all alone in this crazy, mixed up world. There could be twenty people in a room with me and I still feel alone.

But, I finally found someone I can talk to. That one person has made a bigger impact on my life than anyone else. Thank God.

Falling in love like in the movies has been something I've wanted. You know.. Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy falls for girl. Girl tells boy. Boy kisses girl, and things just fall into place with that. They fall so deeply in love they can't be without one another. Cinderella has been a fairy tale for every just about every girl. Prince Charming magically falls in love with her. Unfortunately, that's not how my works. My life is more like... The Little Mermaid. She has to go through some obstacles in her life and she falls for someone she simply cannot have. And so the story begins...

I fell in love with someone I simply could not have. He was everything I wanted in a guy and I could really talk to him. I felt so safe with him and he always made me feel so comfortable. He opened up to me and it just felt like we were meant to be. But, it couldn't be as simple as Cinderella. One day we were fine and then overnight... Whatever we had.. It was just... Over. After everything we'd been through, it wasn't enough.

For awhile, I blamed myself. I had so many thoughts going through my head. Everything was the matter with me. Everything was my fault. I was the stupid one. He just broke everything off.. Our friendship... Our plans... Our smiles and laughs.. Our talks... Our.. Life. I finally told myself that what happened... Wasn't my fault. He wasn't ready for what I was ready for... He finally started talking to me... And explained everything... But I still have a void.. Because... I miss what we... Had.

Things will never be the same again.

All I can do now is hope. Hope for the future. Hope that my friends will become true friends. Hope that I will find someone to make me happy. Hope that... One day... I'll be able to live my life the way I want to live it.

Hope is what I have.