Wow.

So, it's been about six months since I've written. Maybe that's what my problem has been lately; I'm not really sure. I've been taking my medicine and trying to stay happy but sometimes, I just can't. What's wrong with me? Maybe I should try losing weight again because I felt better doing that but it's so hard getting up and doing it. I just don't feel like it. I'm too tired and blah all the time. I feel like I'm distancing myself from my friends or maybe, they're distancing themselves from me. I'm not really sure. I lost my best friend recently. The one that I could call my own and I was hers. Well, I guess it wasn't recently; it's been a few months. She got a boyfriend and that was the end of Hollyanne. I really do not like liars and people who throw my trust in the garbage. It really hurts. I don't know. I'm just so everywhere anymore. I hardly ever hang out with my friends or even talk with them. I'm the fallback friend for a lot of my friends and that hurts. It sucks and hurts. After this thing happens, I don't think one of my friends will ever talk to me again. They're more interested in their significant other. That's just not right. After everything I've done for that person... Lame. I just... It's been one of those weeks. I just... It's been a depression week. I just need my Nicole. I think that's it. Maybe it is. Maybe I need more human interaction. I've been talking with Kelly a lot lately and love that. I hope she does, too. I'm so scared right now. I think the biggest reason why I want to go to college is to get away. A new start. I don't know. Ugh. I just want to breathe.

Please

I think music has turned on me. I was listening to some old playlists of mine that are on my iPod and well, every frikkin' song made me think of the one who hurt me most. I thought that maybe if I got up and wrote a little, it would make me feel better. So far, so good. I'm just going to do a little bit of venting so.. Here is goes.

You hurt me so bad. Sure, I asked for it but I didn't think you thought I meant it. I mean, how could you do that to a person. Once in life is hard enough, but twice. BLASPHEMY. Ugh. I love you. You should know that but you're turning into a cocky, arrogant, son of a bitch and I really hate you for it. You use to be so sweet. I mean, you still are. Buut.. You've really changed. You're two-faced. I mean, what the hell. Seriously. I'm so scared. I'm scared that things will never again happen between us. I'm scared of what you think of me. I'm scared of you forgetting me when I know I will never ever be able to forget you. I'm scared of what I said. I'm scared of what I've done. I wish that I could take it all away but I can't. It's in the past now. I wish I could start over with you knowing what I know now, but I can't. I'm sorry that I can't be perfect. I'm sorry that I can't be beautiful. I'm sorry that I can't be smart. I'm sorry that I cannot not be obnoxious. I'm sorry that I can't say the right things. I'm sorry that I can't be who you want me to be. I'm sorry that I'm not someone else. I'm sorry that you will never have the feelings for me that I do you. I'm sorry that I say stupid stuff that makes you think I'm creepy. I'm sorry that I wasted your time. I'm sorry that I can't stop thinking about you. I'm sorry that I care for you. I'm sorry that I want the best for you. I'm sorry that your mother loves me. I'm sorry that she annoys you about me. I'm sorry for anything that I put you through. I'm sorry that you can't talk to me, laugh with me, call me, message me, or have a decent conversation with me. I'm sorry that I'm absolutely nuts. I'm sorry for putting you through drama. I'm sorry for making you hide from the rest of the world during your last summer as a kid. I'm sorry that I ruined your life. I'm sorry that you've become a different person. I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry. I really mean it. I'm sorry for how amazing you are. I'm sorry for how you give me butterflies whenever we touch. I'm sorry that your smile brightens my day. I'm sorry that your laugh takes all my fears away. I'm sorry that your voice comforts me more than any other sound can. I'm sorry that I can just get lost in your eyes. I'm sorry that all I want to do is be with you. I'm sorry that I look up to you because I find you amazing. I'm sorry that I creep you out. I'm sorry for writing about you even when I can't feel anything but pain. I'm sorry that I changed your life. I'm sorry that I love you. I miss you so much. I miss your voice when we talked. I miss your laughed when we joked. I miss your warmth when we would cuddle. I miss just sitting in your basement. I miss our car rides. I miss your eyes looking deep into mine. I miss the way you talked to me. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss you, just know that I do. Yes, we're friends but really, how good of friends are we? I'd consider you one of my very best but you don't even want to hang out with me because it's "awkward". Well, you're all prepared to hang out with the girl you like when she has a boyfriend. I'm sorry. I apologize for that. It was completely out of line. You just frustrate me. && yet, make me so happy. I just don't get it.

I really wish I could say that to your face. I guess writing will have to do. I'm falling for someone else but I have to keep writing to get out all my frustration for you. Please, be kind. Give me a little rope. I'll never be able to move on if you keep me on such a short leash. You are truly amazing. I would never try to make you out to be a bad person because you really are amazing. You know I'd do anything in all the universe for you, just please.. Dear God, please.. Don't hurt me again.