Lie

I am jealous. I am jealous. I hate me. I hate me so much. UGH. What is wrong with me? Why is everything coming down like rain? What the heck? I'm sick of this. It hurts. Maybe I should just tell my dad that I really want him to get a job out in Oregon. I can go out there for my senior year and stay out there for college. Maybe that's suppose to happen. Ughh.. Who knows? What am I supposed to do anymore?

The one thing I love most is being taken away from me piece by piece.. Music has been my escape. Music has been my life. Music is.. was.. is.. everything. It's the thing that I've always had.. But.. It's not there anymore.. It's been taken away.. What do you do when something you love has been snatched? There's nothing you can do. It's gone for now, babe. To the teacher who made that certain.. I hope you realize that you didn't help make my dream come true.. You helped take it away.

UGH. Boys. Boys. Boys. Boys. You've got me lost. As usual. What do you do when things just.. Don't fall into place like they should? Or maybe.. Shouldn't. You lose yourself in something you think is great. What happens when.. He tells you he likes someone else.. ? Someone that.. Came into his life.. After you?.. How are you suppose to act? What are you suppose to say? What are you suppose to do with yourself? You look in the mirror and yell and scream.. You plead and cry why.. You tell yourself you're hideous and you want to know what's wrong with you.. You take the blade and you cut yourself hoping to relieve the pain.. Or for someone to notice.. You call yourself names that nobody will hear.. You pray to God "what's wrong with me and why did you make me this way?". You look at yourself and you think.. After what I did.. For him.. You look at yourself and want to cut all your hair off.. You want to rip off that Hollister polo and just scream. You are disgusted with yourself.. And it's just because he told you he liked someone else.. And you told him you moved on. But are you jealous or are you confused? Who knows because you don't.

To that boy...

I lied.