Barely Holding On

I can't breathe.
I can't take in air.
I can't stop thinking.
I can't get any space.
I can't stop thinking about anything.
I can't stop worrying about everything.
I can't stop caring.
I can't stop loving him.


I can't hold on.
I can't let go.
I can't be near him.
I can't be away from him.
I can't cry in front of him.
I can't not have his shoulder to cry on.


All I'm doing is hurting myself.


One day, I hope to wake up next to the guy who I make feel as special as he does me.
One day, I hope to hold hands with the guy whose fingers just fit.
One day, I hope to be held by the guy who doesn't want to let go.
One day, I hope that when I tell the guy I love him, he says it back and means it.
One day, I hope to find myself with the guy who won't give up on me.
One day, I hope to find the guy who talks with me without saying a word.
One day, I hope I find the most imperfect man for me.


I have to be guided.
I have to be waited for patiently.
I have to be loved.
I have to be cared for.
I have to be talked to.
I have to be listened to.
I have to know you're here and won't leave.

I don't want to live without my friends.
I don't want to live a lie.
I don't want to live without family.
I don't want to be lonely.
I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to get hurt.
I don't want to not be cared for.
I don't want to not be loved.

I will always have my education.
I will always have memories.
I will always have the people who have helped me.
I will always have that one night that was ours.
I will always have you in my heart.
Never forget that.

Thoughts

It's crazy that a song can make me just go nuts when I like I guy. I totally get into the song and all I do is think about him. But what's even more crazy is when every song starts to make you think about him. He's very into music and music is my life, maybe that's why. It's all around crazy feeling, but... I like it. :) I love the way he makes me feel. When I'm with him, I feel... Magical. I can confide in him like no one else and it's amazing. (I really need to come up with a different word than amazing. I'm checking a thesaurus.) He's marvelous. :) (My new word) He says he can confide in me too which is a great feeling. It really is a self esteem boost. Find someone who makes you happy and don't give up on them. I've been happy with other guys but not like this. I get miserable with other guys too... But I don't with him. I'm always happy. I've always been happy. I really like it.

I find it unbearable that one of your best friends like almost forgets about you. I miss her dearly. Come back to me.

Abby, I love you. Hahaha.. I just wanted to add that in there. I hope you're not deaf from me yelling into the phone. :) <3

School is great. I hope everyone and myself does excellent this year. I'm so excited. I start college tomorrow night so, wish me luck!

Maybe I'll go visit Nicole before class. I wonder if she has time for me.

Richard, I miss you. I realize you're busy but mann, I miss you. I better see you when I go up there or else. ;)

Chasey, keep holding on.

I just want to be held. My goodness. I hate and love this song all at the same time. Damnit.

JUSTIN. I have no idea how I'm going to survive Photo without you. Hahaa.. Stick with me.

Kimberly Elaine, I miss you terribly. Something happened yesterday and you would have been the first person I came too about it, instead I kept it bottled up. Meehh. I love you.

Kelly Michelle, I miss you terribly too. Come back to Iowa and see me.

These are just some random things going around in my mind.

I'm in a fairly good mood though.

Coming Undone

It falls to pieces. It keeps falling. It's broken. It's shattered. It's crushed. I don't understand. Why does life have to throw bad things at me? I feel so lost. My world is broken. I am broken and I don't like it. I feel so unhappy. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I act. I hate the way I am. I wish I was something more. I wish that I didn't feel so used. I feel so... Hurt and I don't understand why. Maybe I should just go away. Maybe I should just get away from here. But I love it here. I need someone. I need something. I hate being lonely. It's times like these when I need certain people all at once. I need Nicole. I need Richard. I may even need Chase. I need... A hug. I need love. I need some care. I want to know things. I need deep conversation. I need medicine. My insides hurt. I have a headache. All the thoughts have me spinning. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe bipolar or something. Maybe I'm depressed. I feel really depressed. I feel dark. I feel down. It's not good. I feel like when I get happy, something has to take the happiness away. Why do I feel this way?

I took the day off to go to a birthday party. I just told my mom I just wanted it off. I told him that I just had it off. But.. I took it off for a special reason. I wanted to go to the party. I wanted to give her a hug. I wanted to have a good conversation with him. I wanted him to apologize for everything. I wanted to feel something again. But oh well. Some thing's wrong with me. I don't understand.

I can't take the stress. It's unbearable.

I'm so tired. My body aches. I'm so wore out. But I can't sleep. I don't understand. I can't take this but.. I'm strong. I hope to get through. I tell everyone to hold on... Maybe I should just keep holding on. Maybe that'll help.

But it hurts.

I want someone to love me.. Yes, I'm young but I still have a heart. I still feel things. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I don't feel what love is. It doesn't mean I can't love. Heck, being a teenager my emotions are crazy. How do you know it doesn't hurt more? But.. Oh well.. I'm not complaining. I just want someone to hold me and tell me every thing's all right now that they're here. Someday.

I'm about to lay down and hope to sleep. I hope to dream of better things.

Good night.

Friends: Day One

So, over the next few days here I will be posting a blog about each of my friends. It'll tell the story of how we met and so on and so forth. I've been thinking about how I was going to go about this so.. Here it goes.

Richard
So, it was kind of different how I met Richard. I'd seen him in Quiz Bowl beginning in my Freshman year and that's about the only place I'd noticed him. I remember going to my first Quiz Bowl tournament and our team got totally CREAMED by his team. I saw him and I was like... Hmmmm... Smart ass. :P He's so smart. It's unbelievable. But anywho, I remember thinking, you're not going to fall for him. Crazy what you think you think, eh? Ha.. But anyway.. I didn't ever really say anything to him.. But.. That's because I was dumb. Who knew he was going to be such a great guy?

In my Sophomore year, I became more involved in things. I began seeing him a little bit more. Being stupid I still didn't talk to him. I saw him at Quiz Bowl tournaments and such but being a psycho... Never said anything to him. Finally, in March, there was a Conference Honor Choir and one of our mutual friends Stephanie and I really started talking. We were like... Hey.. You're in Quiz Bowl, aren't you? I told her that our team FEARED hers and especially that one kid. Lol. And she's like, what kid? Then as if she knew who I was talking about... Epiphany.. Lol.. OH RICHARD!.. Yea.. He thinks he's smart. I was like.. Thinks? He knows! And we just laughed... Later on that day, they had auditions for solos. I thought for kicks and giggles that I would go try out even though I'd never even heard the solos... Well, Richard was trying out.. And.. I'll tell ya.. To this day, I still don't understand why that other guy got that solo when he totally sucked it up even in auditions. Richard is... Amazing. Absolutely amazing at singing. Wow. But.. After that night, we started Facebooking. And he turned out to be absolutely amazing.

Lately though, things have been going on with him that... I just don't understand. I wish more than anything that he didn't have to go through this stuff. It's terrible. I just want him to know he means the world to me and that I am always here. I want him to know that I'm his leaning post with respect. Lol.

I have an irrational fear with him though. I'm afraid that he will forget me.

I hope he doesn't.

____________________________________________________________________


Nicole.
Where do I begin?
I've known her for over a year && a half.
I love this girl to death.
We met through Collin and it was because of Ben. Ew.
Disgusting.
But anyway...
I don't know where I'd be without her.
I have so much to say about her but... I don't know where to start.
She's beautiful, absolutely brilliant, and she has a great sense of humor.
She's always... Always there for me. I couldn't thank her more.
I just hope she knows that no matter what... NO MATTER WHAT... She means the world to me and I'll always be here for her.
Because.
I love her very very much.

____________________________________________________________________

Tomorrow, is another day with more about my amazing friends.

Crazy

You know.. Things always happen and we don't know why. We don't necessarily understand. If things are supposed be like this then why must they be? Why can't we fix things as quick as they were broken? Why can't things be the way they used to be? Maybe it's fate. Maybe something better is to come along or maybe... Every thing is perfect the way it should be.

I had an up-down summer. More like.. Down-up-down-up. Haha.. At the very beginning of the summer, I lost someone who meant a lot to me. I felt like crap. But.. What was it that I missed? Was it what we had? Or was it what we did? Or was it just him that I missed?... What was it that was tearing me down into a million pieces because he wasn't there anymore? Then.. It hit me... I missed having someone actually listen to me.

He wasn't a big talker but.. He talked. I could talk for hours about complete nothingness and he'd listen. He was so sweet in that aspect. But.. We could talk about school, work, friends, and such but.. I always felt comfortable. I could always tell he was listening. I really felt special and like someone cared. It was nice.

One night, I was having major family issues and... he was there to comfort me. I'm sure more than anything that he was overwhelmed by what I had told him... But.. He didn't say he was. He just listened... And that meant so much. I was able to spill my guts and just tell him everything and I'd never experienced that before.

I miss that. And maybe I'll always miss that with him.. But.. Who knows?... I still miss him now even though we talk. There's been so many times where I've needed him... And he wasn't there. But.. I've made it this far.. I just.. Don't want him to hate me.

___________________________________________________________________________

Life's kinda crazy. It puts things in weird perspectives for you. It throws odd things at you. Things you just don't understand. I don't understand most of my life. I don't understand why ducks waddle, why fish swim, or why Tigger and Pooh are best friends but that doesn't mean I don't understand anything. I understand how important it is to forgive. I understand how much you can actually care about someone. I understand how much it hurts when people give up on you.

___________________________________________________________________________

I would never commit suicide, but that doesn't mean it hasn't come through my head. Life's been really tough but I always have someone to help pick me back up. Whether it's Nicole, Chase, Abby, Kim, Melissa, Richard, or Justin I have friends who care about me. I love them all very much. Life's so rough and in all honesty, you can't get through it alone. Hold on tight. Things will get better.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Smile. What is a smile? Does it really show happiness or was that what society said it had to be? Is it just that our culture says that's what it is or is it just because it is? How do we know that someone doesn't just smile to keep people from asking questions? Do they just smile to make it seem like everything is o.k. or in all reality is everything just wrong? How can we tell when someone is really actually happy? Some say you can tell by the sound in their voice and the look in their eyes but... I don't believe that. I think you just need to talk to them. Because a smile is worth a thousand words.

What is "the pursuit of happiness"? What is it really? We, as Americans, have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness but does anyone really know what it is? Is it different for everyone or is it really the same? Do people actually pursue to be happy? Do we look for happiness in everything that we do? What about knowing that we are going to get hurt in something we do? Are we seeking happiness in that or what is it that we are doing? The pursuit of happiness cannot be defined, or, can it?

Love. What is love? Why do we feel we need to be loved? Why do we fall in love? Why do we just love? Why do people love us? Why do people love things? Love is so confusing and it can bring you down but it can bring you up. Do we look for love or just wait for it? Is it all planned out or are we to make it?

Life comes with twists and turns. I never understand why. I have many a many times smiled just because people wanted me to but I didn't want to. I wanted to sulk in all my misery because life just.. Sucked. I would just smile and fake everything. The people who really know me... Were the only ones to really care.
I have wondered what I was to be pursuing as far as happiness. Is it love, money, success, or what is it really? I want to be loved. I want to be well-off. Call me greedy but who doesn't? I want to be successful doing what I want and love to do. Does that make me a bad person?

I love to smile because I love to feel happy. I pursue happiness in what I do. I feel like I could get hurt in some of the things I do but for moment, I can feel that happiness and that is worth all the pain. I love to love and I love being loved. Sometimes I don't feel the love but I know it's there. So, I'm going to smile because I am loved and I love and that makes me happy.

Friends

Life can bring you down... It can tear you apart... It can hurt you and make you want to end it... But.. Life can bring you up. It can build you up and be so wonderful. It can be everything you want it to be. Life throws us obstacles but nothing is too big that we can't get through. Even with a little bit of help. Some people say that it's the littlest things that count most... and I believe that.

I've had my fair share of both ups and downs. I've been way below ground level and I've been way up high above the beautiful Heavens. Today was a good day.

Today, I had some time to think. I love my life even when it's just so terrible. Because when something good happens, it means so much more. I really do have loving friends. I won't say names but I will give initials to those who have made me day complete and special: N.E., R.F., C.A., K.D., A.P., J.C., and M.K. They've brought so much love and care into my life and I can only thank them.

Today, I was informed about one of my friend's heart condition. I honestly thought I was going to cry. This boy, no, this man has been through his fair share of hell in this world and he deserves to be so happy and have a great life. But, he stays positive in all that is happening which I just couldn't understand. But, I think I finally get it now, he has friends who love and care about him and that is a great thing. I hope he can stay optimistic about the situation because all I will do is be there for him and pray because that man, means the world to me. Every day... I fall more for this man. He's becoming everything to me and I just hope and want to be something to him.

Today, I had a friend tell me that they missed me and wanted to see me more. I told told him that I work a lot and he could come see me anytime. He jokingly said would come and see me tonight at work. He told me he was going to ride his bike there in honor of me. Now, my work may only be about 2 miles away from him, but, he would have to ride his bike on 61 which would be scary. And much to my surprise and happiness, he came and saw me. I thought I was going to cry. It meant so much to me

Every time I need someone, I have my girl. The best thing about her is she's willing to listen to you. She loves to talk and try and help you out as much as she possibly can and that my dear friends, means so much. She deserves the world and I can only hope she gets that.

You see, I have great friends who love and care about me. I can only thank them so much and try to be there for them when they need me. It's all the little things that count the most. I love my friends so much.

Hope

Every day I put on that fake smile, that fake mask. Every day someone asks me how I'm doing. I put on a fake smile and simply state that I'm fine. Nothing seems to feel right anymore and even when I try talking about it, I feel like my cries are left unheard, unnoticed. My friends tell me the things I want to hear. I feel like they don't listen. I feel like nobody cares and that I'm all alone in this crazy, mixed up world. There could be twenty people in a room with me and I still feel alone.

But, I finally found someone I can talk to. That one person has made a bigger impact on my life than anyone else. Thank God.

Falling in love like in the movies has been something I've wanted. You know.. Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy falls for girl. Girl tells boy. Boy kisses girl, and things just fall into place with that. They fall so deeply in love they can't be without one another. Cinderella has been a fairy tale for every just about every girl. Prince Charming magically falls in love with her. Unfortunately, that's not how my works. My life is more like... The Little Mermaid. She has to go through some obstacles in her life and she falls for someone she simply cannot have. And so the story begins...

I fell in love with someone I simply could not have. He was everything I wanted in a guy and I could really talk to him. I felt so safe with him and he always made me feel so comfortable. He opened up to me and it just felt like we were meant to be. But, it couldn't be as simple as Cinderella. One day we were fine and then overnight... Whatever we had.. It was just... Over. After everything we'd been through, it wasn't enough.

For awhile, I blamed myself. I had so many thoughts going through my head. Everything was the matter with me. Everything was my fault. I was the stupid one. He just broke everything off.. Our friendship... Our plans... Our smiles and laughs.. Our talks... Our.. Life. I finally told myself that what happened... Wasn't my fault. He wasn't ready for what I was ready for... He finally started talking to me... And explained everything... But I still have a void.. Because... I miss what we... Had.

Things will never be the same again.

All I can do now is hope. Hope for the future. Hope that my friends will become true friends. Hope that I will find someone to make me happy. Hope that... One day... I'll be able to live my life the way I want to live it.

Hope is what I have.