Barely Holding On

I can't breathe.
I can't take in air.
I can't stop thinking.
I can't get any space.
I can't stop thinking about anything.
I can't stop worrying about everything.
I can't stop caring.
I can't stop loving him.


I can't hold on.
I can't let go.
I can't be near him.
I can't be away from him.
I can't cry in front of him.
I can't not have his shoulder to cry on.


All I'm doing is hurting myself.


One day, I hope to wake up next to the guy who I make feel as special as he does me.
One day, I hope to hold hands with the guy whose fingers just fit.
One day, I hope to be held by the guy who doesn't want to let go.
One day, I hope that when I tell the guy I love him, he says it back and means it.
One day, I hope to find myself with the guy who won't give up on me.
One day, I hope to find the guy who talks with me without saying a word.
One day, I hope I find the most imperfect man for me.


I have to be guided.
I have to be waited for patiently.
I have to be loved.
I have to be cared for.
I have to be talked to.
I have to be listened to.
I have to know you're here and won't leave.

I don't want to live without my friends.
I don't want to live a lie.
I don't want to live without family.
I don't want to be lonely.
I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to get hurt.
I don't want to not be cared for.
I don't want to not be loved.

I will always have my education.
I will always have memories.
I will always have the people who have helped me.
I will always have that one night that was ours.
I will always have you in my heart.
Never forget that.

Can't Think Straight

Have you ever just felt like you were lost and the person who found was the most unsuspecting person? Not only that but this unsuspected person has been there for you.. Every time you've fallen.. And then.. You start having immensely intense feelings for them and then you like.. Don't know what to do. Not only that but they like someone else and talk to you about it all the time. It's really a crusher. But you keep hoping but things just don't seem to go your way. I'm happy for him. Don't get me wrong. I am not a bitch by any means. I'm not controlling. I think I'm just nuts.. Ughhh..

I don't understand.

I don't understand anything anymore.

I'm soooo scared. It's unbearable.

Coming Undone

It falls to pieces. It keeps falling. It's broken. It's shattered. It's crushed. I don't understand. Why does life have to throw bad things at me? I feel so lost. My world is broken. I am broken and I don't like it. I feel so unhappy. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I act. I hate the way I am. I wish I was something more. I wish that I didn't feel so used. I feel so... Hurt and I don't understand why. Maybe I should just go away. Maybe I should just get away from here. But I love it here. I need someone. I need something. I hate being lonely. It's times like these when I need certain people all at once. I need Nicole. I need Richard. I may even need Chase. I need... A hug. I need love. I need some care. I want to know things. I need deep conversation. I need medicine. My insides hurt. I have a headache. All the thoughts have me spinning. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe bipolar or something. Maybe I'm depressed. I feel really depressed. I feel dark. I feel down. It's not good. I feel like when I get happy, something has to take the happiness away. Why do I feel this way?

I took the day off to go to a birthday party. I just told my mom I just wanted it off. I told him that I just had it off. But.. I took it off for a special reason. I wanted to go to the party. I wanted to give her a hug. I wanted to have a good conversation with him. I wanted him to apologize for everything. I wanted to feel something again. But oh well. Some thing's wrong with me. I don't understand.

I can't take the stress. It's unbearable.

I'm so tired. My body aches. I'm so wore out. But I can't sleep. I don't understand. I can't take this but.. I'm strong. I hope to get through. I tell everyone to hold on... Maybe I should just keep holding on. Maybe that'll help.

But it hurts.

I want someone to love me.. Yes, I'm young but I still have a heart. I still feel things. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I don't feel what love is. It doesn't mean I can't love. Heck, being a teenager my emotions are crazy. How do you know it doesn't hurt more? But.. Oh well.. I'm not complaining. I just want someone to hold me and tell me every thing's all right now that they're here. Someday.

I'm about to lay down and hope to sleep. I hope to dream of better things.

Good night.