Wow.

So, it's been about six months since I've written. Maybe that's what my problem has been lately; I'm not really sure. I've been taking my medicine and trying to stay happy but sometimes, I just can't. What's wrong with me? Maybe I should try losing weight again because I felt better doing that but it's so hard getting up and doing it. I just don't feel like it. I'm too tired and blah all the time. I feel like I'm distancing myself from my friends or maybe, they're distancing themselves from me. I'm not really sure. I lost my best friend recently. The one that I could call my own and I was hers. Well, I guess it wasn't recently; it's been a few months. She got a boyfriend and that was the end of Hollyanne. I really do not like liars and people who throw my trust in the garbage. It really hurts. I don't know. I'm just so everywhere anymore. I hardly ever hang out with my friends or even talk with them. I'm the fallback friend for a lot of my friends and that hurts. It sucks and hurts. After this thing happens, I don't think one of my friends will ever talk to me again. They're more interested in their significant other. That's just not right. After everything I've done for that person... Lame. I just... It's been one of those weeks. I just... It's been a depression week. I just need my Nicole. I think that's it. Maybe it is. Maybe I need more human interaction. I've been talking with Kelly a lot lately and love that. I hope she does, too. I'm so scared right now. I think the biggest reason why I want to go to college is to get away. A new start. I don't know. Ugh. I just want to breathe.

Please

I think music has turned on me. I was listening to some old playlists of mine that are on my iPod and well, every frikkin' song made me think of the one who hurt me most. I thought that maybe if I got up and wrote a little, it would make me feel better. So far, so good. I'm just going to do a little bit of venting so.. Here is goes.

You hurt me so bad. Sure, I asked for it but I didn't think you thought I meant it. I mean, how could you do that to a person. Once in life is hard enough, but twice. BLASPHEMY. Ugh. I love you. You should know that but you're turning into a cocky, arrogant, son of a bitch and I really hate you for it. You use to be so sweet. I mean, you still are. Buut.. You've really changed. You're two-faced. I mean, what the hell. Seriously. I'm so scared. I'm scared that things will never again happen between us. I'm scared of what you think of me. I'm scared of you forgetting me when I know I will never ever be able to forget you. I'm scared of what I said. I'm scared of what I've done. I wish that I could take it all away but I can't. It's in the past now. I wish I could start over with you knowing what I know now, but I can't. I'm sorry that I can't be perfect. I'm sorry that I can't be beautiful. I'm sorry that I can't be smart. I'm sorry that I cannot not be obnoxious. I'm sorry that I can't say the right things. I'm sorry that I can't be who you want me to be. I'm sorry that I'm not someone else. I'm sorry that you will never have the feelings for me that I do you. I'm sorry that I say stupid stuff that makes you think I'm creepy. I'm sorry that I wasted your time. I'm sorry that I can't stop thinking about you. I'm sorry that I care for you. I'm sorry that I want the best for you. I'm sorry that your mother loves me. I'm sorry that she annoys you about me. I'm sorry for anything that I put you through. I'm sorry that you can't talk to me, laugh with me, call me, message me, or have a decent conversation with me. I'm sorry that I'm absolutely nuts. I'm sorry for putting you through drama. I'm sorry for making you hide from the rest of the world during your last summer as a kid. I'm sorry that I ruined your life. I'm sorry that you've become a different person. I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry. I really mean it. I'm sorry for how amazing you are. I'm sorry for how you give me butterflies whenever we touch. I'm sorry that your smile brightens my day. I'm sorry that your laugh takes all my fears away. I'm sorry that your voice comforts me more than any other sound can. I'm sorry that I can just get lost in your eyes. I'm sorry that all I want to do is be with you. I'm sorry that I look up to you because I find you amazing. I'm sorry that I creep you out. I'm sorry for writing about you even when I can't feel anything but pain. I'm sorry that I changed your life. I'm sorry that I love you. I miss you so much. I miss your voice when we talked. I miss your laughed when we joked. I miss your warmth when we would cuddle. I miss just sitting in your basement. I miss our car rides. I miss your eyes looking deep into mine. I miss the way you talked to me. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss you, just know that I do. Yes, we're friends but really, how good of friends are we? I'd consider you one of my very best but you don't even want to hang out with me because it's "awkward". Well, you're all prepared to hang out with the girl you like when she has a boyfriend. I'm sorry. I apologize for that. It was completely out of line. You just frustrate me. && yet, make me so happy. I just don't get it.

I really wish I could say that to your face. I guess writing will have to do. I'm falling for someone else but I have to keep writing to get out all my frustration for you. Please, be kind. Give me a little rope. I'll never be able to move on if you keep me on such a short leash. You are truly amazing. I would never try to make you out to be a bad person because you really are amazing. You know I'd do anything in all the universe for you, just please.. Dear God, please.. Don't hurt me again.

Happy Girls are the Prettiest

So, many of you avid readers know who the boy I truly love is. You know what happened with him, you know how I felt, you know how I feel, you know you've been there for me as much as possible, and you know what happened between us. If you don't, tell me. I'll send you the worst day of my life. It's been exactly 7 months today. To be honest, I woke up this morning and really didn't want to get out of bed. I knew I had things to do, but none of that mattered. The 29th of every month is really sucktaculous but today, I was alone. It just kind of got to me more. I had to go back to the doctor today for a check up on the depression. As happy as I have been feeling lately, I don't feel totally and completely where I want to be. It's been working and things have been changing, but my mood swings still aren't all the way back to normal or at least a bearable level. So, she gave me a higher dosage. So, maybe I'll feel even better. I'm starting to fall for someone else but as you all know, I just can't seem to let go of the boy I love. Be patient with me. I'm trying to move on. You all know that. I'll be able to do it. I apologize for ever being annoying about him or really anything. Please forgive me. I love you all so very much.

:)

Things are still good. I am feeling better. I don't mope a lot anymore. Maybe it's denial. OH WELL. I'm happy. Right now, I'm really missing a friend of mine. I haven't heard anything from him in a couple of days but I'm okay. Naturally, I wouldn't be, but I am. :) Maybe things are starting to change and I'm just fine with that. :) I hope this next year brings many good things to my family, friends, and myself. We all need it. These last couple of years have been pretty shitty. I'm not going to put it lightly. We're all ready for some change. This year will be pretty crazy. Some of my very best friends will be graduating and I hope more than anything they won't forget about me and I will start my senior year which is NUTS. Things will be all right though. I know it. I'm very confident. So, out with the old and in with the new. Here we come 2009. :)

Life is Wonderful

So, I'm sorry to the people who read my blog. I haven't been very avid about writing. I apologize from the deepest part of my heart. It's been a really tough couple of months here guys. Just to get it out in the open, I have been diagnosed with manic depression and personally, I think it's okay to tell someone that. It's not my fault. It's not anyone's fault for having this disease. I am getting help and I'm starting to feel better. I would just like help from everyone. I just want you to trust me and just stick with me. That's all I ask. My friends are my everything; that's the bottom line. My family drives me nuts a lot, I love them, but they have been a lot of my problems lately. Having friends who stick with me, is amazing. Writing really releases my soul and I've really taken up a new passion, photography. I am in love with it. It really makes me think and try and find the beauty in things. I think it's making me more open minded and I am loving it. When I see something-- really anything -- I look at it and figure out how I can find the beauty in it. Maybe that's how life, love, and how you look at someone should be. Maybe you should look for the beauty in it and not necessarily the bad things. I've had a lot of problems in this world but... Looking around, there are so many wonderful and beautiful things. I love my life. I have a life. Even when life stomps on me, I'm going to keep pushing. I have people who love and care about me. I've been hurt, but I'm done with the grudges, I'm happy. I forgive everyone and anyone who has ever hurt me. I apologize to anyone I have hurt or deceived.

I've fallen in love. The first time seemed bad but it was beautiful and innocent. The second time, I'm still in love with him. I know it's love. Every time we touch, I get the butterflies. Every time I see him smile, I can't help but smile too. Every time he laughs, it warms my soul. Every time he looks in my eyes, I know that even if he never loves me back, he'll always care. We've come to an agreement and I'm happy with that. Now, I'm falling for someone else. It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I am most certain of that. Life is wonderful.<3

I've hurt people in my life, some that I've been very close to but it's because I couldn't see. I'm so sorry. I'm finally starting to really figure out who I am. I thank everyone who has been a part of my life for stepping in and teaching me something, showing me love, and caring for me.

My life is changing and I'm getting older. 2009 is bringing many changes for me. I'm not going to be in choir anymore. This is huge for me. It's always been my whole life but, it's not anymore. You know what, I'm okay with this. I'm changing and so are my passions. Photography helps me so much more. It makes me so much happier. I'm going to look at 2009 in a more positive way. I feel good. I'm going to be who I want to be. Life is beautiful. So full of... love.

Thank you everyone. Post again soon. <3

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Jason Mraz Life is Wonderful lyrics. I encourage you to read the lyrics and listen to this song.


It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
And it takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes some tears to make it rust
It takes the rust to HAVE it polished

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la

It takes some silence to make sound
And it takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to MAKE a mountain

Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la la life is full of
Ah la la la la la life is so full of love
Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la life is full of
Ah la la la la la life is so full of love

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Jason Mraz The Beauty in Ugly lyrics


she's so big hearted,
but not so remarkable
just an ordinary humble girl
expecting nothing as we're made to think
its a pretty person's world

but you are beautiful and you better go show it
go look again, you gotta be true to your own
if you really wanna go to the top
do you really wanna win?
don't believe in living normal, just to satisfy demand

well if you wanna get free
and if you wanna do the passionate thing
and if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart
you should own your name and stand up tall
and get real and see the beauty in ugly

well you are fresh, you're face is fabulous
don't forget you're one of a kind
when nobody is checking the deeds you've done
and nobody is hearing your cries
you make all of the fashion statements
just by dressing up your mind

well if you wanna get free
and if you wanna do the passionate thing
and if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart
you should own your name and stand up tall
and get real and see the beauty in ugly
and see the beauty in ulgy

well if you wanna get free
and if you wanna do the passionate thing
and if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart and oh
you should own your name and stand up tall
and get real and see the beauty in ugly
see the beauty in a ulgy

Lyrics To Live By

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love

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You know, I don't think enough people stop and listen to the lyrics. See, for me, that's the FIRST thing I listen to, most of the time. I usually fall in love with a song for its lyrics. I look at a song's title and I google its lyrics. I read them and if I like them, I youtube it and listen to it. I eventually made my decision once the lyrics and music are put together. This song, kind of inspired me. Maybe it's my medicine wearing down but really truly, I wish more people would listen to a song like this. I mean actually listen. The lyrics are so powerful and it's quite amazing. If today was your last day.. How would you spend it?

Never Again Will I Trust You. Maybe.

Trust. What is trust? The dictionary defines trust as "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence." Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or a thing and even... Confidence? Wow, I never would have guessed. Trust, it's such a fickle thing. Kind of like love. Generally, the two go hand in hand. If you love someone, you should be able to trust them right? With every little secret, every little detail.. Everything. right? Or maybe not. Maybe trust is something meant to be broken. But the dictionary says your reliance on a person. The dictionary even says to believe or to have confidence in someone. Does that just not matter anymore? Can people really just break that trust? Can you really tell someone else a secret that your friend just told you? Could you really do that to someone? Could you really hurt a person that bad? Even over the simplest thing.. It's just.. Trust. It doesn't matter. It's not necessarily what was said but that it was said. Or maybe it's not even about talking or saying things. Maybe it's trust that they won't do something. Being in a relationship I'm pretty sure that everyone doesn't want to get cheated on. So, they trust that person not to do something like that. Maybe they trust them to make the right decisions in general. Maybe your parents trust you not to make dumb decisions. Who knows?

Why do we betray someone's trust? Do we really not care about that person that much? Do we really want to hurt them? Yes, some things may not tick you off but.. What happens when they are a repeat offender to betraying your trust?.. What happens when it's something big? Now, I'm not saying that you should just go off and never trust someone who has betrayed you once of a little thing but.. Honest to God.. Why would you betray someone?

Trust. What do you define it as? I hate being betrayed. I hate it. It hurts. I have a trust issue and the people that I do trust, are great people. I have been hurt and I have hurt people. I hope that I never get hurt again and I hope that I never get hurt again.

Trust. Do it.

I Love You in Another World

It's kind of amazing how many different ways and languages there are to say "I love you". There's even special ways to say it. Female to male, male to female, and even ways to say it to your pets. There are certain ways to say it to your friends and even to your teachers. Even within the same language, it could be used differently in another country that speaks the same language. But do you always say it in our language and actually mean it? Or do we say it in some other language because well.. We are actually afraid to say it so the listener feels good about themselves? Is that reason why we say "I love you"? Do we just want to please them? Or do we actually mean it? Love is so.. Intense.. Or is it? Love is so.. Capturing.. Or is it? What is love? Webster would define it as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." But would you consider it as such? Is it just a word we toss around? Has it lost it's meaning to lust and sex? Is there still hope out there for those of us who actually seek love?

I don't understand people who just settle for someone. Why wouldn't you want to strive for the person that you feel so passionately about? Is it because you come from two different worlds; you're an outcast and they're the most popular person? Are they younger than you and you are just worried that people will make fun of you? Are they older than you and you just aren't comfortable with being with someone older? Are you really worried about what other people think? Are you? Do you care that your friends think that the one you have fallen for is hideous? Or do you care that they are everything you could ask for? Do you honestly like them or are you just leading them on?

Why would you lead someone on? It hurts. There is no love in that.

J'capote su' toe' (Canadian French-basically, I'm head over heels for you)
Ik ben verliefd op je (Dutch- I am in love with you)
Se latrevo (Greek-I adore you)
Aloha wau ia 'oe nui loa (Hawaiian- I love you very much)
Kocham cie (Polish- I love you)
Ya tyebya lyublyu (Russian-I love you)
T'estim molt (Catalan- I love you very much)
Ti amo, Ti voglio bene (Between friends), Ti voglio (strong sexual reference)-Italian- I love you
Ego Amo te (Latin- I love you--Ego for emphasis)
I love you (English-generally meaning.. I love you, you dumbass. Get it through your head)

The word "love" is thrown around. It is played around with and.. Wherever you go, it means just about the same thing. While it's great to hear it in another language, saying it in person, with your language.. Beats out all else. I love you, simply that.

Amazing

So, it's been a while and I just wanted to post a few things on here that are.. Absolutely amazing. They were said through a guy who can be a true gentleman and there are some things that I said. Here is goes.

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"You may think you are a bad person, but to me you are a friend, and you are perfect just the way you are.."

"I don't.. That's why you're my best friend."

"Don't. You don't know how amazing you are."

"I'm sorry. I can't show you how important you are in life but.. I don't know what I would do without you.."

"..just because we aren't dating, doesn't mean I don't love you.."

"..you are strong enough.. let an angel guard you.."

"Ti amo."



The words that he says are.. Lifting and he.. Makes my day so much brighter. I can only thank him. I can only hope to become closer to him.. He makes me feel amazing. <3> Te amo. Simplemente eso.

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Lie

I am jealous. I am jealous. I hate me. I hate me so much. UGH. What is wrong with me? Why is everything coming down like rain? What the heck? I'm sick of this. It hurts. Maybe I should just tell my dad that I really want him to get a job out in Oregon. I can go out there for my senior year and stay out there for college. Maybe that's suppose to happen. Ughh.. Who knows? What am I supposed to do anymore?

The one thing I love most is being taken away from me piece by piece.. Music has been my escape. Music has been my life. Music is.. was.. is.. everything. It's the thing that I've always had.. But.. It's not there anymore.. It's been taken away.. What do you do when something you love has been snatched? There's nothing you can do. It's gone for now, babe. To the teacher who made that certain.. I hope you realize that you didn't help make my dream come true.. You helped take it away.

UGH. Boys. Boys. Boys. Boys. You've got me lost. As usual. What do you do when things just.. Don't fall into place like they should? Or maybe.. Shouldn't. You lose yourself in something you think is great. What happens when.. He tells you he likes someone else.. ? Someone that.. Came into his life.. After you?.. How are you suppose to act? What are you suppose to say? What are you suppose to do with yourself? You look in the mirror and yell and scream.. You plead and cry why.. You tell yourself you're hideous and you want to know what's wrong with you.. You take the blade and you cut yourself hoping to relieve the pain.. Or for someone to notice.. You call yourself names that nobody will hear.. You pray to God "what's wrong with me and why did you make me this way?". You look at yourself and you think.. After what I did.. For him.. You look at yourself and want to cut all your hair off.. You want to rip off that Hollister polo and just scream. You are disgusted with yourself.. And it's just because he told you he liked someone else.. And you told him you moved on. But are you jealous or are you confused? Who knows because you don't.

To that boy...

I lied.

Black Roses

I don't know how I feel right now. I am happy but I am sad. I'm torn in all directions. Why do things have to be like this? So many paths to take. Do I take the new one && totally restart? Do I take the one that is broken? Or do I go for the path that I've already taken hoping that it will take me somewhere new? Will I be accepted on any of the paths? Who knows?

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Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let the morning light come in and let the darkness fade away
Chorus:
Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?

Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me

Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz
I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love (x6)

Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love
I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love (until fades)

Barely Holding On

I can't breathe.
I can't take in air.
I can't stop thinking.
I can't get any space.
I can't stop thinking about anything.
I can't stop worrying about everything.
I can't stop caring.
I can't stop loving him.


I can't hold on.
I can't let go.
I can't be near him.
I can't be away from him.
I can't cry in front of him.
I can't not have his shoulder to cry on.


All I'm doing is hurting myself.


One day, I hope to wake up next to the guy who I make feel as special as he does me.
One day, I hope to hold hands with the guy whose fingers just fit.
One day, I hope to be held by the guy who doesn't want to let go.
One day, I hope that when I tell the guy I love him, he says it back and means it.
One day, I hope to find myself with the guy who won't give up on me.
One day, I hope to find the guy who talks with me without saying a word.
One day, I hope I find the most imperfect man for me.


I have to be guided.
I have to be waited for patiently.
I have to be loved.
I have to be cared for.
I have to be talked to.
I have to be listened to.
I have to know you're here and won't leave.

I don't want to live without my friends.
I don't want to live a lie.
I don't want to live without family.
I don't want to be lonely.
I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to get hurt.
I don't want to not be cared for.
I don't want to not be loved.

I will always have my education.
I will always have memories.
I will always have the people who have helped me.
I will always have that one night that was ours.
I will always have you in my heart.
Never forget that.

Thoughts

So, I have so many thoughts and just I though I'd blog about them. :)

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I can't believe he actually said that. Trying to get my own friends to turn against me with nothing to back him up. We used to be connected at the hip. Do I really care? I don't think so. Who knows? Was she involved in this? Why would she? Why wouldn't she? Why could she? Who knows? I'm in high school, not jr. high.

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Does he like me? Did he once have feelings for me? He's so sweet. I can't stop thinking about him. Do I love him? Why am I still holding on? Is there something there? Should I keep holding on? I wish for him all the time. He's total opposite from me, illogical, hard to hold on to..& i can't stop thinking about him..i want to be the one you're thinking about.. the one you're missing.. the one you want to hold.. the one that you say "i love you more than anything" to..♥.

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Band && Choir are officially my favorite classes again. :) Along with my newly found favorite class, Photography. I love it. :)

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I have great people in my life. I have great people that I care about and who really care about me. It's really a great feeling. :)

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Condoms. :)

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I just felt like throwing something in that was totally random. :)

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I am happy with my life right now. It may not seem like it, but I really am. I'm going to try and not let things get me down. :)

Untitled

I can't take it anymore. I really can't. Everyone is always trying to bring me down. I can't do it. It hurts. It really hurts. I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm barely hanging on. I'm really down and I am so out. I need to breathe. I need change. I just need to get away.

Given Up

I've given up.
I've given up on just about everything.
I've given up on love.
I've given up on boys.
I've given up on the human race.
I've given up on people.
I've given up on music.
I've given up on anything that has given up on me.
I've given up on high school.
I've given up on the education system.
I've given up on teachers.


It hurts. I really can't take the pain much longer. Is it so bad that I want someone to hold me? Is it so bad that I don't want it just to be anyone; I want it to be someone. Is it too much to ask? Am I too horrible to be happy? I don't think I'm that bad of a person. I'm pretty typical but maybe not the right typical. I cry like other people but... Maybe I cry too much. I do cry a lot. I think I'm pretty... Maybe I'm not pretty enough. What did I miss out on that everyone else got?

Apparently, something is the matter with me.

I'm a daughter hiding her depression.
I'm a sister making a good impression.
I'm your friend acting like I'm fine.
I'm a teenager pushing her tears aside.
I'm the girl sitting next to you.
I'm the one asking you to care.
I'm your best friend hoping you'll be there.
I'm the lover keeping it all in.
I'm the singer who chooses not to shine.
I'm the player not using her abilities.
I'm in the corner wishing someone would come over and ask me what's wrong.
I'm waiting for 11:11 to make you my wish.
I'm your someone, wanting you to love me back.

Maybe I'll be alone forever.

I'm so lost.

Can't Think Straight

Have you ever just felt like you were lost and the person who found was the most unsuspecting person? Not only that but this unsuspected person has been there for you.. Every time you've fallen.. And then.. You start having immensely intense feelings for them and then you like.. Don't know what to do. Not only that but they like someone else and talk to you about it all the time. It's really a crusher. But you keep hoping but things just don't seem to go your way. I'm happy for him. Don't get me wrong. I am not a bitch by any means. I'm not controlling. I think I'm just nuts.. Ughhh..

I don't understand.

I don't understand anything anymore.

I'm soooo scared. It's unbearable.

Thoughts

It's crazy that a song can make me just go nuts when I like I guy. I totally get into the song and all I do is think about him. But what's even more crazy is when every song starts to make you think about him. He's very into music and music is my life, maybe that's why. It's all around crazy feeling, but... I like it. :) I love the way he makes me feel. When I'm with him, I feel... Magical. I can confide in him like no one else and it's amazing. (I really need to come up with a different word than amazing. I'm checking a thesaurus.) He's marvelous. :) (My new word) He says he can confide in me too which is a great feeling. It really is a self esteem boost. Find someone who makes you happy and don't give up on them. I've been happy with other guys but not like this. I get miserable with other guys too... But I don't with him. I'm always happy. I've always been happy. I really like it.

I find it unbearable that one of your best friends like almost forgets about you. I miss her dearly. Come back to me.

Abby, I love you. Hahaha.. I just wanted to add that in there. I hope you're not deaf from me yelling into the phone. :) <3

School is great. I hope everyone and myself does excellent this year. I'm so excited. I start college tomorrow night so, wish me luck!

Maybe I'll go visit Nicole before class. I wonder if she has time for me.

Richard, I miss you. I realize you're busy but mann, I miss you. I better see you when I go up there or else. ;)

Chasey, keep holding on.

I just want to be held. My goodness. I hate and love this song all at the same time. Damnit.

JUSTIN. I have no idea how I'm going to survive Photo without you. Hahaa.. Stick with me.

Kimberly Elaine, I miss you terribly. Something happened yesterday and you would have been the first person I came too about it, instead I kept it bottled up. Meehh. I love you.

Kelly Michelle, I miss you terribly too. Come back to Iowa and see me.

These are just some random things going around in my mind.

I'm in a fairly good mood though.

Him :) <3

He makes me feel so good about myself. :) I love being near him. :) He's so sweet. :) He's so good to me. :) I love to miss him because he misses me too. :) Maybe I'm falling for him. :) Who knows? :) I'm very happy right now. :) :) I love this happy. :) I've had this happy before. :) The last guy who I felt this happy with is now a good friend!..:) Happy, happy, happy!! :) <3>

My Immortal, My Pain

I've been trying to find the right words. The right words to how I've felt the past two and a half months. Finally, I found them. They've been right in front of me. One of my favorite bands, one of my favorite songs was just there. I finally found them. Going through old playlists... I finally found the words. Music is what I have. It's what I use. Every word in this song is a word I've placed. I use every one of them. They're the perfect match. Maybe by doing this, it will help me further in my journey back to life. Thanks to an amazing friend who's been there so much lately. This is helping me even more, Chase.


_____________________________________________________________________________

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me


I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

___________________________________________________________________________

Coming Undone

It falls to pieces. It keeps falling. It's broken. It's shattered. It's crushed. I don't understand. Why does life have to throw bad things at me? I feel so lost. My world is broken. I am broken and I don't like it. I feel so unhappy. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I act. I hate the way I am. I wish I was something more. I wish that I didn't feel so used. I feel so... Hurt and I don't understand why. Maybe I should just go away. Maybe I should just get away from here. But I love it here. I need someone. I need something. I hate being lonely. It's times like these when I need certain people all at once. I need Nicole. I need Richard. I may even need Chase. I need... A hug. I need love. I need some care. I want to know things. I need deep conversation. I need medicine. My insides hurt. I have a headache. All the thoughts have me spinning. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe bipolar or something. Maybe I'm depressed. I feel really depressed. I feel dark. I feel down. It's not good. I feel like when I get happy, something has to take the happiness away. Why do I feel this way?

I took the day off to go to a birthday party. I just told my mom I just wanted it off. I told him that I just had it off. But.. I took it off for a special reason. I wanted to go to the party. I wanted to give her a hug. I wanted to have a good conversation with him. I wanted him to apologize for everything. I wanted to feel something again. But oh well. Some thing's wrong with me. I don't understand.

I can't take the stress. It's unbearable.

I'm so tired. My body aches. I'm so wore out. But I can't sleep. I don't understand. I can't take this but.. I'm strong. I hope to get through. I tell everyone to hold on... Maybe I should just keep holding on. Maybe that'll help.

But it hurts.

I want someone to love me.. Yes, I'm young but I still have a heart. I still feel things. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I don't feel what love is. It doesn't mean I can't love. Heck, being a teenager my emotions are crazy. How do you know it doesn't hurt more? But.. Oh well.. I'm not complaining. I just want someone to hold me and tell me every thing's all right now that they're here. Someday.

I'm about to lay down and hope to sleep. I hope to dream of better things.

Good night.