Jealousy

It stung. After what I had told him... After what he had... Read... And he still had the nerve to bring her up. How could he? He knew how I felt and yet... He doesn't care. I don't understand. He says good things about her... Sometimes. I'm sure he disregards that things I say... The things I do.. And am willing to do. I'd give up everything to have him but.. Maybe Maybe I'm just being... Jealous.

What is jealousy? Why must I feel it? I feel it all the time. I'm just generally a jealous person. Maybe it's genes. I don't like it... But.. Why must I feel it over something that simply isn't mine? I don't own him. I don't own my best friend. I don't own anyone and yet, I must feel it.

He says he's so in love. He's finally got it right. I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night. Yes, those are the lyrics to my life. I've fallen into something crazy for this boy. The last time I felt this, it got me into trouble. The boy I liked, liked another girl. I just wanted to beat her down but then I was like.. Why can't I just be her?

Why can't I just be someone else? Why can't I be his someone? Why can't I be her? These questions go through my head as if they are in routine. And... It hurts. I don't want to feel jealous. I want to feel happy for them that they have found someone to make them happy. Maybe I'm just jealous of them.

Could it be that I am just jealous of the boy? He found someone that is making him happy and I haven't, is that why it hurts so much? Am I that pathetic? Maybe I am. Maybe being happy is not in the cards right now for me. Maybe I should just put on the fake smile and act like every thing's okay. Maybe then he'll notice me.

But I am so broken already.

He knows I'm broken. Maybe that's not it either. What if I'm not broken enough? What if I'm too broken? Maybe he can't piece me back together and that's what keeps him away.

What is wrong with me that keeps every guy away? I thought the first time I'd fallen in love things would just fall in place. But.. They fell out of place and everything was lost. What did I do wrong? Then the next guy... Again.. Everything was perfect... Did I say something wrong? What did I do? Everyone said we were perfect for each other. Was I too strong or too weak? What did I do? I wish I hadn't ever kissed him because I just couldn't resist him.. And now, there's... R.F.

I don't know what to do... I just don't. What's the matter with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I too outspoken? Do I cry too much? Is my heart too broken? Don't I make you laugh? Should I try harder? Why... Why do you see right through me?

I've been through so much... When and where's my happiness?

Am I just meant to be jealous of everyone and everything... Forever?