Wow.

So, it's been about six months since I've written. Maybe that's what my problem has been lately; I'm not really sure. I've been taking my medicine and trying to stay happy but sometimes, I just can't. What's wrong with me? Maybe I should try losing weight again because I felt better doing that but it's so hard getting up and doing it. I just don't feel like it. I'm too tired and blah all the time. I feel like I'm distancing myself from my friends or maybe, they're distancing themselves from me. I'm not really sure. I lost my best friend recently. The one that I could call my own and I was hers. Well, I guess it wasn't recently; it's been a few months. She got a boyfriend and that was the end of Hollyanne. I really do not like liars and people who throw my trust in the garbage. It really hurts. I don't know. I'm just so everywhere anymore. I hardly ever hang out with my friends or even talk with them. I'm the fallback friend for a lot of my friends and that hurts. It sucks and hurts. After this thing happens, I don't think one of my friends will ever talk to me again. They're more interested in their significant other. That's just not right. After everything I've done for that person... Lame. I just... It's been one of those weeks. I just... It's been a depression week. I just need my Nicole. I think that's it. Maybe it is. Maybe I need more human interaction. I've been talking with Kelly a lot lately and love that. I hope she does, too. I'm so scared right now. I think the biggest reason why I want to go to college is to get away. A new start. I don't know. Ugh. I just want to breathe.

Please

I think music has turned on me. I was listening to some old playlists of mine that are on my iPod and well, every frikkin' song made me think of the one who hurt me most. I thought that maybe if I got up and wrote a little, it would make me feel better. So far, so good. I'm just going to do a little bit of venting so.. Here is goes.

You hurt me so bad. Sure, I asked for it but I didn't think you thought I meant it. I mean, how could you do that to a person. Once in life is hard enough, but twice. BLASPHEMY. Ugh. I love you. You should know that but you're turning into a cocky, arrogant, son of a bitch and I really hate you for it. You use to be so sweet. I mean, you still are. Buut.. You've really changed. You're two-faced. I mean, what the hell. Seriously. I'm so scared. I'm scared that things will never again happen between us. I'm scared of what you think of me. I'm scared of you forgetting me when I know I will never ever be able to forget you. I'm scared of what I said. I'm scared of what I've done. I wish that I could take it all away but I can't. It's in the past now. I wish I could start over with you knowing what I know now, but I can't. I'm sorry that I can't be perfect. I'm sorry that I can't be beautiful. I'm sorry that I can't be smart. I'm sorry that I cannot not be obnoxious. I'm sorry that I can't say the right things. I'm sorry that I can't be who you want me to be. I'm sorry that I'm not someone else. I'm sorry that you will never have the feelings for me that I do you. I'm sorry that I say stupid stuff that makes you think I'm creepy. I'm sorry that I wasted your time. I'm sorry that I can't stop thinking about you. I'm sorry that I care for you. I'm sorry that I want the best for you. I'm sorry that your mother loves me. I'm sorry that she annoys you about me. I'm sorry for anything that I put you through. I'm sorry that you can't talk to me, laugh with me, call me, message me, or have a decent conversation with me. I'm sorry that I'm absolutely nuts. I'm sorry for putting you through drama. I'm sorry for making you hide from the rest of the world during your last summer as a kid. I'm sorry that I ruined your life. I'm sorry that you've become a different person. I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry. I really mean it. I'm sorry for how amazing you are. I'm sorry for how you give me butterflies whenever we touch. I'm sorry that your smile brightens my day. I'm sorry that your laugh takes all my fears away. I'm sorry that your voice comforts me more than any other sound can. I'm sorry that I can just get lost in your eyes. I'm sorry that all I want to do is be with you. I'm sorry that I look up to you because I find you amazing. I'm sorry that I creep you out. I'm sorry for writing about you even when I can't feel anything but pain. I'm sorry that I changed your life. I'm sorry that I love you. I miss you so much. I miss your voice when we talked. I miss your laughed when we joked. I miss your warmth when we would cuddle. I miss just sitting in your basement. I miss our car rides. I miss your eyes looking deep into mine. I miss the way you talked to me. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss you, just know that I do. Yes, we're friends but really, how good of friends are we? I'd consider you one of my very best but you don't even want to hang out with me because it's "awkward". Well, you're all prepared to hang out with the girl you like when she has a boyfriend. I'm sorry. I apologize for that. It was completely out of line. You just frustrate me. && yet, make me so happy. I just don't get it.

I really wish I could say that to your face. I guess writing will have to do. I'm falling for someone else but I have to keep writing to get out all my frustration for you. Please, be kind. Give me a little rope. I'll never be able to move on if you keep me on such a short leash. You are truly amazing. I would never try to make you out to be a bad person because you really are amazing. You know I'd do anything in all the universe for you, just please.. Dear God, please.. Don't hurt me again.

Happy Girls are the Prettiest

So, many of you avid readers know who the boy I truly love is. You know what happened with him, you know how I felt, you know how I feel, you know you've been there for me as much as possible, and you know what happened between us. If you don't, tell me. I'll send you the worst day of my life. It's been exactly 7 months today. To be honest, I woke up this morning and really didn't want to get out of bed. I knew I had things to do, but none of that mattered. The 29th of every month is really sucktaculous but today, I was alone. It just kind of got to me more. I had to go back to the doctor today for a check up on the depression. As happy as I have been feeling lately, I don't feel totally and completely where I want to be. It's been working and things have been changing, but my mood swings still aren't all the way back to normal or at least a bearable level. So, she gave me a higher dosage. So, maybe I'll feel even better. I'm starting to fall for someone else but as you all know, I just can't seem to let go of the boy I love. Be patient with me. I'm trying to move on. You all know that. I'll be able to do it. I apologize for ever being annoying about him or really anything. Please forgive me. I love you all so very much.

:)

Things are still good. I am feeling better. I don't mope a lot anymore. Maybe it's denial. OH WELL. I'm happy. Right now, I'm really missing a friend of mine. I haven't heard anything from him in a couple of days but I'm okay. Naturally, I wouldn't be, but I am. :) Maybe things are starting to change and I'm just fine with that. :) I hope this next year brings many good things to my family, friends, and myself. We all need it. These last couple of years have been pretty shitty. I'm not going to put it lightly. We're all ready for some change. This year will be pretty crazy. Some of my very best friends will be graduating and I hope more than anything they won't forget about me and I will start my senior year which is NUTS. Things will be all right though. I know it. I'm very confident. So, out with the old and in with the new. Here we come 2009. :)

Life is Wonderful

So, I'm sorry to the people who read my blog. I haven't been very avid about writing. I apologize from the deepest part of my heart. It's been a really tough couple of months here guys. Just to get it out in the open, I have been diagnosed with manic depression and personally, I think it's okay to tell someone that. It's not my fault. It's not anyone's fault for having this disease. I am getting help and I'm starting to feel better. I would just like help from everyone. I just want you to trust me and just stick with me. That's all I ask. My friends are my everything; that's the bottom line. My family drives me nuts a lot, I love them, but they have been a lot of my problems lately. Having friends who stick with me, is amazing. Writing really releases my soul and I've really taken up a new passion, photography. I am in love with it. It really makes me think and try and find the beauty in things. I think it's making me more open minded and I am loving it. When I see something-- really anything -- I look at it and figure out how I can find the beauty in it. Maybe that's how life, love, and how you look at someone should be. Maybe you should look for the beauty in it and not necessarily the bad things. I've had a lot of problems in this world but... Looking around, there are so many wonderful and beautiful things. I love my life. I have a life. Even when life stomps on me, I'm going to keep pushing. I have people who love and care about me. I've been hurt, but I'm done with the grudges, I'm happy. I forgive everyone and anyone who has ever hurt me. I apologize to anyone I have hurt or deceived.

I've fallen in love. The first time seemed bad but it was beautiful and innocent. The second time, I'm still in love with him. I know it's love. Every time we touch, I get the butterflies. Every time I see him smile, I can't help but smile too. Every time he laughs, it warms my soul. Every time he looks in my eyes, I know that even if he never loves me back, he'll always care. We've come to an agreement and I'm happy with that. Now, I'm falling for someone else. It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I am most certain of that. Life is wonderful.<3

I've hurt people in my life, some that I've been very close to but it's because I couldn't see. I'm so sorry. I'm finally starting to really figure out who I am. I thank everyone who has been a part of my life for stepping in and teaching me something, showing me love, and caring for me.

My life is changing and I'm getting older. 2009 is bringing many changes for me. I'm not going to be in choir anymore. This is huge for me. It's always been my whole life but, it's not anymore. You know what, I'm okay with this. I'm changing and so are my passions. Photography helps me so much more. It makes me so much happier. I'm going to look at 2009 in a more positive way. I feel good. I'm going to be who I want to be. Life is beautiful. So full of... love.

Thank you everyone. Post again soon. <3

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Jason Mraz Life is Wonderful lyrics. I encourage you to read the lyrics and listen to this song.


It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
And it takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes some tears to make it rust
It takes the rust to HAVE it polished

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la

It takes some silence to make sound
And it takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to MAKE a mountain

Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la la life is full of
Ah la la la la la life is so full of love
Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la life is full of
Ah la la la la la life is so full of love

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Jason Mraz The Beauty in Ugly lyrics


she's so big hearted,
but not so remarkable
just an ordinary humble girl
expecting nothing as we're made to think
its a pretty person's world

but you are beautiful and you better go show it
go look again, you gotta be true to your own
if you really wanna go to the top
do you really wanna win?
don't believe in living normal, just to satisfy demand

well if you wanna get free
and if you wanna do the passionate thing
and if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart
you should own your name and stand up tall
and get real and see the beauty in ugly

well you are fresh, you're face is fabulous
don't forget you're one of a kind
when nobody is checking the deeds you've done
and nobody is hearing your cries
you make all of the fashion statements
just by dressing up your mind

well if you wanna get free
and if you wanna do the passionate thing
and if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart
you should own your name and stand up tall
and get real and see the beauty in ugly
and see the beauty in ulgy

well if you wanna get free
and if you wanna do the passionate thing
and if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart and oh
you should own your name and stand up tall
and get real and see the beauty in ugly
see the beauty in a ulgy

Lyrics To Live By

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love

_____________________________________________________________________________________

You know, I don't think enough people stop and listen to the lyrics. See, for me, that's the FIRST thing I listen to, most of the time. I usually fall in love with a song for its lyrics. I look at a song's title and I google its lyrics. I read them and if I like them, I youtube it and listen to it. I eventually made my decision once the lyrics and music are put together. This song, kind of inspired me. Maybe it's my medicine wearing down but really truly, I wish more people would listen to a song like this. I mean actually listen. The lyrics are so powerful and it's quite amazing. If today was your last day.. How would you spend it?

Never Again Will I Trust You. Maybe.

Trust. What is trust? The dictionary defines trust as "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence." Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or a thing and even... Confidence? Wow, I never would have guessed. Trust, it's such a fickle thing. Kind of like love. Generally, the two go hand in hand. If you love someone, you should be able to trust them right? With every little secret, every little detail.. Everything. right? Or maybe not. Maybe trust is something meant to be broken. But the dictionary says your reliance on a person. The dictionary even says to believe or to have confidence in someone. Does that just not matter anymore? Can people really just break that trust? Can you really tell someone else a secret that your friend just told you? Could you really do that to someone? Could you really hurt a person that bad? Even over the simplest thing.. It's just.. Trust. It doesn't matter. It's not necessarily what was said but that it was said. Or maybe it's not even about talking or saying things. Maybe it's trust that they won't do something. Being in a relationship I'm pretty sure that everyone doesn't want to get cheated on. So, they trust that person not to do something like that. Maybe they trust them to make the right decisions in general. Maybe your parents trust you not to make dumb decisions. Who knows?

Why do we betray someone's trust? Do we really not care about that person that much? Do we really want to hurt them? Yes, some things may not tick you off but.. What happens when they are a repeat offender to betraying your trust?.. What happens when it's something big? Now, I'm not saying that you should just go off and never trust someone who has betrayed you once of a little thing but.. Honest to God.. Why would you betray someone?

Trust. What do you define it as? I hate being betrayed. I hate it. It hurts. I have a trust issue and the people that I do trust, are great people. I have been hurt and I have hurt people. I hope that I never get hurt again and I hope that I never get hurt again.

Trust. Do it.